#10 For the first time.

I somehow found myself back at a train station, I have a thing for having my heart broken at train stations, somehow, it was pretty dark, all I could do was sit there staring outside the window, gaze at the buildings covered in the moonlight like a blanket. At that moment I noticed, long dark brunette hair, falling over her shoulders, wearing a hoodie. I remembered how I was planning to give her my hoodie while she was gone, as something well, like bringing a part of me along, I guess things didn't turn out that way. It was her, Natasha Rose, I hadn't seen her since she came back from Down Under and we'd been drifting apart since.

Still, it was great to see her again, I missed seeing that face. She's still beautiful. 'Hey... you're.. back. You're back!'

'Hi, I guess so, haha,' she said, as she reached in for a hug.

The hug, I've almost forgotten how it was to have her wrapped in my arms, I missed it, it was one of the only things, and memories I'll remember. It felt great, it made me realize how much she actually meant to me, how much I actually missed her, how much the butterflies were racing through my tummy. A whole lot of feelings were scattering through. I didn't even remember having my heart broken by her anymore. A meteorite could have fallen and I wouldn't even have a single care in the world. 

'I've missed you.' I whispered, as I had my arms around her. 

'Me too.' - and when I let go, well she didn't. Instead, she pulled me even closer, she didn't let go. It reminded me of all the times we were together, how I thought I'd have a chance of being with her, how we spent my first 'date' on that windy day and I wanted to run my fingers through her hair while it was all messy, how she hugged me on her birthday covering me with filth, how much courage it took for me to tell her I had feelings for her, how I made her a little gift, and her hugging me just before she left, leaving me hanging, how I waited even when she said no. Everything came back, rushing through my mind. 

It was the hug I've always dreamt of, everytime, especially when she left.  I never did want to let go when she hugged me, it just felt right, good. When I'm with her everything starts making sense, and it's like she is the Annabeth to Percy, the only thing that kept him going on. 

When we finally let go, unwillingly. All I remember was well, having a new staring-into-the-distance-in-the-train buddy. Sitting there, looking out, I remember asking her something.

'So what are we now?' remembering everything that happened and her rejecting me. 

And that was when I woke up. 

//

Holidays were.. different. We initially planned to spend Christmas together and I wanted to take her caroling but I guess not, she had too many things on anyway.

We are still talking and I guess I'm kind I over the whole rejection thing, I somehow knew it was coming, well nothing like a yes has ever happened to me so I guess that's why the thought of it was lingering in my mind.

After a while I decided that, I couldn't let this try and get over her thing stop me from Skyping her. I mean, it was her who was pretty much what made my nights. It would feel weird without that.

In a a split second, it was almost as if that little layer of awkwardness was shed off, like nothing ever happened.

//

The first day of school was not how I expected it to be at all. Different subjects, different teachers, different.. everything. I was even separated from my friends. At least I still had Haley, Sophie Ann and Tessa Jane. Sooner or later, they would have been the ones being my wing-girls for Natasha. Especially Haley.

I had brought everybody's presents for Christmas, along with their souvenirs from my vacation to Cambodia, which was amazing. With hers, I wanted hers to be special.

Whilst I was overseas, I was really looking for the perfect gift for her, but I failed. Really, it was hard as I had my bars set really high and that was a.. challenge. But just when I thought I gave up, on the last night I found this bracelet for her in one of the shops (for a very reasonable price too!). It was wooden, almost and it had flowers carved on it. It's perfect. I knew it was.

I found a little box that my mom got her necklace in, in one of my drawers, like the ones where you open it and you'd see the necklace shining there. I've kept it even before she managed to throw it out, thankfully. Hence I placed the little bracelet there, with another bracelet. Remember that time I made those angel earrings and gave it to her, and said there was another surprise? That was the one. It was a charm bracelet with a lion and a unicorn. Which is pretty random, I know. With a little heart carved with a flower in it charm. I mean, I didn't put it there to express well, you know. But I really thought it was beautiful. Overall I felt really proud of myself for even managing to put together the bracelet since my hands aren't really made for dainty ol' bracelets there.

Inside the box, was a note.

To Natasha,

Merry Christmas! Haha. The one on top is what I found from Cambodia. The other one is something I did, a while ago. The other present, well you have to open it yourself to see it. Thanks for being there for me, and believing me when I didn't. You've pretty much made my year.

Well, I did get another present for her. It was actually a book, and I knew how much she loved Nicholas Sparks. I saw it in the bookstore and I didn't care about anything because I just had to get it for her.

//

As school ended Mel, Elina, Isaak and I were all gathering there. Just telling each other how our days were, it really did feel different as we were all grouped into different classes, which sucked. Plus, Carmen transferred. Which wasn't what I would have imagined. At all. But seeing them getting all my gifts did feel good, especially Isaak's, when he saw the gift and instantly guessed what it was and thanking me because he really needed it. Carmen even came for a visit, which was one of the better moments of the first day of school.

While waiting for my friends to leave, I felt a bit of deja vu, from when the day Natasha left for Australia. I could feel the suspense and the feeling of wanting to give it to her mixed with wanting to run away. But I guess, I never really did let her go, did I?

As they all left, I started walking towards her. She flashed that smile that as Taylor Swift would say, 'would light up the whole town'. It was almost as if I was meeting her, for the first time, again. It felt weird yet really good to finally see her again, as it was actually the first real time I met her since she came back, in person. Skype doesn't count right? I felt that familiar butterfly in my tummy, that little dance my heart would do when I see her.

'Hey,' she said. 'How was your first day?'

'Pretty boring. I've got work, already.'

'Haha, me too.'

'Well,' yep, I had to give it to her. 'this is for you, Merry Belated Christmas? Haha.'

And as I handed her the first gift, her face was... priceless. I could probably see her light up at that moment right there. It was the best feeling ever.

'You know you really didn't have to right?'

'It's alright, I wanted to.' time for the surprise.

'Well I also have this,' I said as I took out the Nicholas Sparks book. I remember taking a really long time trying to wrap it perfectly and hoping no one touched it while it was under the Christmas tree.

'Hey, I told you not to get me anything, really. I mean, the first one was already good enough.'

'You kind of forgot something.'

'Haha right,' she laughed. 'you do the complete opposite of what I say.'

//

When I came home, I wrote it on a piece of paper. I mean, I was doing this thing I found online where I write anything that makes me smile on a piece of paper, so at the end of the year I'd take it out and pretty much reminisce about them. Thank you , tumblr.

Well, what I wrote was.

Her smile when she got my gifts. 

And this pretty much made me smile for the rest of the day, thinking about it.

This is the new year.

I know I'm late but, happy 2013! :)

Yes, so last year (it still feels weird thinking of 2012 as 'last year') was a great year, all in all I really would go back if I ever had a time machine. I've met so many new people, new friends, developed new relationships. I've learnt to open up more and not be the introvert I used to be. I realized how really really liking someone felt. I learnt that I could actually find happiness in the smallest of things, and I learnt that we have hope, through Christ. 

Well remember my holiday to-do list? I will blog about that soon, I HAVE A LOT TO SAY WOOTS. 

One of my to-do things was to redesign my room, I got a new shelf, re-did my wall, painted my guitar case (I HAVE A GUITAR OH YEAH) , not much but good enough for me to be happy with my room I guess. Excuse the poor quality for the photos.

Voila, my room. 

I did this Tumblr wall thingy. 

This one is kind of like a international shelf. Haha see behind, my favorite childhood puzzle dad gave me from Prague, the phone booth from London, my plane ticket from Cambodia, the Dubai tower, a stick game thingy from Zambia, Africa, the keychain Jia Wen gave me from Thailand. And there is my Bible too! :)

I did this myself by the way :D #proud

Finished shelf, and Jennifer Lawrence says hi. 

The guitar case. 

And writing this, I am approaching the 16th year on Earth. It feels so weird to be sixteen, I feel so.. teenage. It's just really different. 

Resolutions for '13: 

• This year, I'm really trying to be more sociable, make new friends and know more people! I want to step out of my comfort zone a little, like recently I signed up to be part of the worship team for camp and I've always wanted to, but I've never had the guts to sing or play in front of a crowd. This time, I didn't care, this is all going to be for Him and I don't care if it's fails miserably. 
• I want to pass my grade 8 for piano and drums, so bad. Like for the past few grades, I've never even practiced my exam pieces till the actual exams were approaching but this time I'm already practicing my pieces - and I haven't even picked all three yet. 
• I want to draw more. Like do more art stuff, painting my guitar case was a good start, I guess. 
• I want to sharpen my photography skills, like in Cambodia I had a great time hijacking my dad's cool new camera - minus the food poisoning part and the flight back to Malaysia, ugh. Therefore, say hello to your new CF camp 2013 photographer! *applaud*
• By the end of this year, I want to try to write more. Whether if it's on this blog or a song. 
• Renee is forcing me to do a cover, so I guess I have to. What I think would do, My Heart Will Wait by Joe Brooks. 
• Ooh I might be in a band this year! We are still like in the 'let's have a band' part so um yeah it's working well. Cf camp worship would be good practice, and our members- Jen, Tze Ning, Sophia, Isaac, Ed, Mel, and duh me would have Grammys and etc. Hahaha.
• Oh and I urge you all to do this. It's a littlest things that count too. So, whenever you feel down, open it up and remember all the good things from the year. 

This is my jar. 

As I said in my English Essay, this year is going to be great. I have a huge feeling. Even if it's going to be a tough Form 4 year with new subjects and new systems, I will pull through. 

Biology really fascinates me, even if it takes Jimmy Neutron to remember everything, but it is amazing how God created us, how we are fearfully and wonderfully made, with all the smallest details, the smallest cells doing the most important things. It really is amazing. Add math on the other hand, I'll start laughing and staring at the question even before I can go 'Ohhhhh'. Guess add math genius is out for me. 

So this year, I will put memories of the last year behind, and make way for new ones. 

#9 Falling to pieces.

Day 19

I haven't been hearing from Natasha for a while, well, not much. I mean, yeah there are the small talks here and there, and it just seems.. different. You know that bad feeling when you have so much to say but all the person says is just a one-word reply and you're just stuck there wondering what you did to make the person so uninterested. It never was like that. Sometimes, I'll be lucky enough to get an 'okay haha', and it's just.. I feel more and more messed up, and I keep thinking to myself, Alex Morrison, everything will be okay.

I really do miss her.

Alex has pretty messed up feelings, and thoughts. Right, ever since the whole Nicole incident, I've been pretty paranoid about his friendships and no way would I want that to happen again, especially for someone like Natasha. Sigh.

Day 25

The worst thing about having feelings like this, well, it just sucks. You don't know what they think, the bad stuff comes haunting you in your thoughts and you fear the ultimate worst, and you mind get filled with 'what ifs'. What if this is the end? What if she forgets me right when she comes back? What if.

At least I try to keep up a conversation, today I just felt bad. It totally felt like I was annoying her.

I remembered how she was always there for me when everything was falling apart, only problem, it was about her. Well, she knows already right? She'll understand. 

'Hey, it'll be cool to have someone to talk to. I hate my feelings.'

'I'm here. What's wrong?' - and that was when I realized I was going to screw this up. U-turn.

'You know what, it's okay.'

'I know you're not, talk to me.' - Guess I don't have much of a choice huh?

'Okay then, it's just that.. I'm scared.'

'Well, let's be scared together. Don't hide things from me, okay?' 

'It's just.. remember before you left and how you were so scared that I'd walk away? Not that I will, ever, but I'm scared you will too.'

'Oh, I won't, silly. Unless you give me a reason to.' 

'I won't, trust me. Sorry about this.'

'It's okay, don't need to apologize. Feeling better?'

'Much better now, thanks to you.'

Day 29

It was pretty much one of those days again. I know if you're reading this, you probably think, this Alex Morrison dude is pretty much one of those manic depressed people, I'm not, it's just, feeling that you're drifting apart from a person you really care about, is the worst thing ever.

Again, it totally feels like I've been annoying her. Maybe I should just leave her alone?

But no, I had to think that if I could tell her what wrong once, it can help again.

'Hey, feeling messed up again, ugh I hate my feelings.'

'You can't hate your feelings, they're a part of you, I'm here. :)'

'I guess it's waiting for you, remember how I promised to wait for you, till you came back? It's harder than I thought.'

'Then give up. You shouldn't do this to yourself.'

'No I won't, you're worth it.'

'You will eventually. Just give up on me.' I never expected that. That was.. really straightforward, kind of like an arrow being shot at you when you can't avoid it, it felt that way.

'I promise, I'll still wait till you're back.'

'No, don't. You're gonna have to stop eventually.'

'You mean, this is a no?'

'Yes, I'm sorry.' 

And everything starts falling apart from here. My mind is all, no no no no, this is not supposed to happen, no it's not supposed to go this way, no no no no no.. and I'll be here just staring into my computer screen, trying so hard to belie this, just not knowing what to think, not knowing what to feel. It felt numb. The memories started pouring in, like walls of brick during an earthquake, it just crushes me, how much I thought that I could have a chance with her, all the times that she smiled, all the songs that made me think of her. I didn't know what to do. Everything is just.. not going the way I wished. From missing her, to getting this. Then some part of me starts thinking, maybe it's better this way, but the other part is thinking about how stupid I was, how much of an idiot I was falling for the popular girl, Natasha Rose? and the other parts are just, stunned, torn, like every thing was breaking apart. I was falling to pieces.

'But why?' I said, sitting there trying to fight tears. Funny how I've never cried for a girl before. This was just the worst thing I could ever think of. This can't be happening.

'I'll never come by, I thought time would tell, but no. I'm sorry.'

The thing I feared the most has happened. I had thought about how we'd spend Christmas together, and I already did make her something, if she said yes. I'd never be able to go to a planetarium with her, and just sit there under the 'stars' and have my arm around her. All the things I thought, I wished would happen, they're just fantasies.

'But do you think that one day, I'll ever get a chance?'

'I doubt so.'

At that point, I was a wreck. I don't believe this. Heck, she hasn't even come back yet. I just want to lay on my bed and stare at the star-covered ceiling, and maybe just cry, no I can't. I was too messed up for that. I needed music, oh wait, my all time favourite song reminds me of her, and the rest of my playlist are songs she introduced. Ugh, sad songs just make me feel worse, I didn't know what to think anymore.

'Mel, you there? I feel so messed up right now. She said no.'

'What? No way, listen to music or something? Everything will be okay.'

'I can't. Everything reminds me of her. I just can't.'

'I'll talk to her. Cheer up, okay?'

'Don't, then she'l think I made you do it. I can't think right, I don't know what I feel anymore.'

'Just cry it out. It'll be better.'

I spent the whole night playing sad songs, till 2 a.m. I couldn't sleep, nor cry. I was just too messed up to feel anything, she was the one thing that mattered so much and now it's like she's drifting away. I can't. I was pretty sure I cried so much inside that it flooded but, I did tear up listening to some of the songs. Especially Somewhere Only We Know, that was like a punch in the gut, and I replayed it again and again, till I slept.

Day 26

 'I just don't see him more than a friend.' -That was what she told Mel.

I just can't do this, I just want to lie in bed and do nothing, somehow I still told myself to wait for her till she's back. 

After all that had happened, it's was like just a huge pile of memories, and locked up feelings. I don't really know what I think or feel anymore, she was the closest I've ever been to a girl, my first date was her. I just couldn't think. All the fantasies, the dreams, it was almost as if she said:

 'Don't dream. It's over.' 

#9 When you're gone.

Day 1

The day she was leaving, Alex couldn't bear the thought that somehow, there'll be a chance that he'll lose her, that she'll come back a different person, completely forgetting him. He really had to start getting used to not texting someone, not staying up late Skyping, she pretty much was the one who was on his mind the entire day. He took the advantage of the time left texting her, starting with his usual goodmorning text. As the day progressed, he really did realize, she, Natasha Rose IS leaving, yeah for 42 days but she will be gone, he won't be seeing her, it hit him, bad.

'Oh my gosh, I seriously can't believe that I'm leaving today, today! Can't wait!'

'.. Me too :( have fun okay, done packing?'

'Just a few more things and I'm done.'

'Well, I'd rather not disturb you then. Talk to you later, okay?' And he looked at his phone, he couldn't help but feel sad. 

As her flight approached, he already had this text saved in his phone, well he didn't know when her flight was so just in case. 

'Hey, stay safe okay? Have fun there, and eat loads of stuff on my behalf! Remember when I said I was gonna wait for you? I really am, okay? I promise. Gonna miss you, bye princess.'

'Haha I still have 2 hours before I board the plane, silly. Chill. xD I'll call you once I'm almost leaving okay?' 

'Oh, I didn't know, okay. xD Re-read that message once you're on the plane then, haha,' he realized his battery was dying, worst. timing. ever. 'I don't think you can thought, my battery's dying.'

'Aww :( okay weirdo. Amagas I'm so excited! The plane's leaving in 10 minutes! Bye :)'

'Noo :( hey re-read the text okay? I really am gonna wait for you, and call me on the plane, if there's signal! :) Gonna miss you.'

'There's never line on the plane, silly xD The doors and windows are shut tight, where on earth do I get signal? Hahaha. Bye :')'

'Oh I totally knew that.' Alex facepalmed himself. Silly me. 'Will be counting down the days till you come back. Bye.'

'Yay you :) okay, on the plane now, doors aren't closed yet, so I guess this will get through, gonna turn of my phone now, bye. Will talk to you online when I'm there, okay? :)'

Okay, he thought, Bye, as he put down his phone. He somehow had the thought of losing her lingering in the back of his mind for some reason.

Day 2

He woke up to a text, he knew it definitely couldn't have been her,  well it ruined his sleep so he better check it anyway, right?

The look of surprise on his face when he saw who it was from, was priceless. Natasha? Wait what?

'Hey you, don't reply this okay, it'll cost you loads. Anyway, I just reached here, and my back hurts, bad luck me.'

That, made his day, knowing that he was still well, unforgotten. Silly girl, didn't you know it'll cost you more? She was the cutest this way, it made him smile.

Day 5

He got a call from Mel, saying that Natasha went online and asked her to get him online. Whoah. Okay, knowing that she'll tell his friends to call him, kind of makes him happy for some weird reason.

Well, he went on Skype, without hesitating, knowing the fact that his mom will probably kill him if she found out. He didn't care anyway, he missed Natasha a lot, to see her face again, will be the best thing that could happen.

As they talked, she explained how different Australia is from Malaysia, and how things are around there. She still looks flawless, he thought. She showed him the kitchen of the house she was staying in, and tempted him with more food. He missed this.

Day 10

They've been talking everyday, small talks and all. Tonight, she asked him to come on Skype, while he was watching a movie. Worst timing. 

'I can't, I'm watching a movie, but I'll come on later?'

'Nah, it's okay.'

He really felt like he should, well his movie was ending anyway. 'You totally forgot how I do the exact opposite of what you tell me not to right?'

'Seriously, it's okay.'

He went on anyway, and he didn't regret it a single bit. He found out that since he told her he couldn't, she'd be talking to another friend instead. He started to feel a teensy weensy bit jealous, oh no, it's just a friend, come on, Alex! You're not even together. 

'Hey, I came on anyway. :)'

'Hahaha hii :)'

That was probably one of the best calls he's made, he'd never smiled so much. He missed being all weird and lame around her, although it was just through a computer screen. She started talking about her shows and explaining the parts of it that he never understood, it was way better than the last time where she spoiled the first three episodes of Glee before he could even watch them.

And then she started going all Brooklyn and was like 'oh no she di-dn't' at her show and doing the three Z formation snapping thingy, and laughing at him cus he couldn't shake his head right.

Whenever the Skype had little glitches and all, it was cute that they called it the Skype monster. Right at that very moment well, the monster invaded and he hanged. She started laughing, and he knew something was up, that was until he heard camera shot sounds and realized she was screenshotting him. Oh no. 

She started showing him the little album she has, of him. His face hanged at really.. weird expressions, pictures of him when he fell asleep on the call, some of him being a camwhore. Most of them, weren't pretty. She was definitely plotting something.

He started challenging her to a see who can take more embarrassing screenshots of each other. 'Bring it on.' he said, and he realized he was losing so bad. She could make a whole album out of his pictures, while he barely had ten to start with. He remembered the time, she started acting like a beauty queen doing the wave, *snap*; and the time she fell asleep, *snap*; and somehow she'd forgotten that he'd threaten to post the pictures and started freaking out watching her show, and her face was... priceless. *snap, snap, snap*

That was till it was like midnight where he was and he had to go. He'd somehow always wait for her to hear that, and she'll say goodbye, and smile back, waving. He really liked her smile. Well, he did not regret that at all.

And the screen was black again, and she logged out.

I miss you, he said under his breath.

I promise to be your fairytale.

I don't know about you but sometimes I fantasize, a lot. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I am the time of guy who believes in cliche happy endings and well she's the girl I imagine being with, the little thoughts I'd have before I sleep, I'd think of the perfect first date, or when I just finished a show or a really really good book, I'll imagine her being the lead and thinking I want that little Nicholas Sparks story.

Lately I've really started to enjoy books (I don't know why but books to little kid Ryan was like giving a child his medicine) I've really come to appreciate what the stories tell and keep this a secret, but I'm a sucker for love stories. (I just posted it on the internet, not so much of a secret after all huh?) Like, some of them just tug my heartstrings so bad they make me all warm and fuzzy inside and get me thinking what if I had something like that with her. I'm not that kind of guy who gives up easily, I mean my feelings don't just 'go away' like poof. I really despise guys who treat girls as if they mean nothing even thought they are their girlfriends and all, and through books, I strive to be the kind of guy you'd read about, though the guys are usually good-looking and all, I don't have that, but I still am that cheesy little nice guy, who wants to be the type of guy you'd hear Taylor Swift finally writing that happy-ever-after song about.

"It’s not necessary. My nightmares are usually about losing you,” he says. “I’m okay once I realize you’re here."

I want to be the Peeta to her Katniss, how they had to protect each other knowing that their survival meant each other's happiness. I'll be her Peeta, feeling okay knowing that she's here. How scared I would be if I ever lost her.

'The world can pass by without me, without us. Just as long as we stay here, together, in each other's arms.'

And the John Smith (number 4) to her Sarah Hart. Knowing that he'll risk everything to keep her safe even though he had to run as he was being hunted down. He'd go back for even when it's the most dangerous thing to do, and she is constantly on his mind missing her. How beautiful it'll feel to have her in my arms.

Percy threw his arms around her. They kissed, and for a moment nothing else mattered. An asteroid  could have hit the planet and wiped out all life, and Annabeth wouldn't have cared.

The Percy to Annabeth. How she was the only thing he could remember even though his memory was totally wiped out and was forced to run away from all the attacks that might have come. How the vague memory of her was the one thing that kept him going and when he finally found her he never wanted to lose her ever again. The relationship with the teasing, inside jokes, super lame nicknames.

'It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.'

The Charlie to her Sam, how he waited for her, and her happiness meant his own, and that even though he had a chance with her he respected her and all he wanted was her happiness as a priority.

Her favorite, the Landon to her Jamie. How he'd never expect to ever fall in love in her, yet knowing how demure she is, she could still be so stunningly beautiful. How she was his miracle.

And well not just books you  know? Shows, movies, gosh they just somehow mess with my feelings, I never cry watching a movie, in fact I've never cried watching anything, no matter how sad it is. Back to the point, they make me go to bed all warm and fuzzy inside making me picture more and more unrealistic scenarios, hey a guy can dream right?

  

Brittany: 'You're the only one who understands me so well.'

Sam: 'Maybe it's cus we're both blonde.'

Like, I'd be her Sam to Brittany. How he was there for her even though they're not together while she was going through a really rough break-up. How they understand each other and only getting each other's blonde intelligence. How cute they are (if they end up together), how they put smiles on people's faces, being one of the funnier and one-liner worthy ones.

 

I promise to be her Damon to Elena. How he knows that she belongs with someone else but still loves her unconditionally. And Stefan to Elena, how the one thing keeping him from completely switching off his humanity was her. And Tyler to Caroline, how he was willing to change for her safety. I'll be like him, and always be there when you need someone, and Klaus to Caroline, being the sweet romantic one.


Her Scott to Alison, who never stopped loving her even though it meant endangering himself, and how they managed to pull through despite everything.

  

Truth is, I can never be all of these guys at once, but I'll definitely try, or at least wait, 'cause it's worth it, you're worth it. You's special and well, I want her to really believe that she is. I'll promise to be like them, to hold you close, to tell you that you're beautiful, to be able to go to the mall or something and be proud to have you to be mine, to be the one having cheesy nicknames and tease each other, to always be there for you, to make you happy. I've had this little fantasy of this perfect date and I'll bring you to my favorite spot in the bookshop, the place overlooking a park and has a clear view of the sky, where you'd have your head on my shoulder with my hoodie on you, we'll read together, as the sun sets and I'll put my arm around you, as we spoil each other's stories, and I'll tell you that you're beautiful, like the sky.

I promise to be your Peeta, your John, your Landon, your Charlie, your Sam, your Stefan, your Damon, your Tyler, your Klaus, your Scott. Yours. 

Everything has changed.

This might not make sense but, hello blog.

There's this girl, you've probably heard about her before, well, she's the one thing that so special. She's beautiful, she's smart, she's talented, she's funny, she's adorable, she's dorky and weird -in a good way, kind of like me-, she is what I imagine when I read, when I watch something, I'll imagine her playing the lead.

Most of the time, I think I actually have a shot, to be with her, to be hers, I guess. I want to be the guy who makes her happy and all, she knows that. It's just, I don't know why, I'm so insecure. Like, what if I'm not good enough and she'll just walk away, or if she just thinks I'm too clingy and doesn't like my attitude like the last time I had feelings for someone. I'm too emotional, apparently.

She's afraid I'd walk away while she's away, but I promised her I never will. Never. I don't just give up like that, I mean, I didn't even get an answer, and it's like when she said that I kind of reflected on myself. I noticed, every single time I'd have feelings for a girl, they start to walk away, and we'd drift apart after they find out I like them. Take my first ever relationship, well I don't think it was a relationship, I was too young, immature, she just told me to well, break up after a month. It makes sense now, that I was kind of a crappy whatever-you-call-it, boyfriend. I never did call her or tell her I loved her in person, or held her hand. I regret that.

This time it's different, she hasn't walked away, now that she knows. She's actually is considering it, I guess. It's like, sometimes I wonder what she actually thinks of me, again comes the insecure part. Somehow she's different than all the other girls, I've never like sent super long cheesy good morning texts before, or called someone for more than an hour talking crap, or late night webcam sessions, we're not even together. And it's like when I'm with her, the whole world could pass me by, it's just her that matters. I've never told someone I love them in person, or telling a girl through a letter by giving it to her face-to-face, I've never done that, but it seems like for her, everything was worth it.

Gosh sometimes I feel like I'm nothing to her, like she just talks to me,  cus I start the conversation and when she's feeling down, sometimes I can't help but feel useless when I try my hardest but it doesn't work. Or sometimes it feels like I'm being pushed away and I'll just be there like '..okay' and feel neglected. It just sucks to feel that way.

I just want her to be happy, you know?

Sometimes I just don't think I'm good enough for that. It kinda sucks.

Truth is, nothing is perfect. If I want some perfect thingy then maybe I should just watch more movies. Dreams, are reachable if you want it, if its an ambition or even a special someone. I've learnt to fight for the person I love. To wait even if its like till the time everything falls apart. To be there for her whenever and always. To tell her she's beautiful when she's insecure and that I love the little flaws she dislikes, cus I love everything she doesn't like abut herself. I think she is special, beautiful, amazing, and well, imagine your happiest day, and then imagine being with your best friend, and then look at the sunset and get awestruck, and you'll have that little smile on your face? That's exactly how she makes me feel.

it is scary isn't it? Being in love with someone and not knowing what they think about you. But the most beautiful thing is seeing the one you love smiling and knowing you're the reason behind that smile. I strive for that.

I guess five years ago I wouldn't have guess that I'll be doing things the way I do now, my feelings, well everything has changed.

Well right now, let's just say that it sucks having messed up feelings.

Sometimes this is exactly how I feel. 

Day 11 out of 42.

#BeforeIDie I would want to travel the world with that one person. 

 

In a blink of an eye, the whole school semester of 2012 has ended. It feels too fast, no?

I have like a million and one things planned, and I really hope they don't all go down the drain like last year. Okay, shall list out what I'll do. *woots*

1. I have to clean my room so bad.  -This kinda failed, 'cus I planned to do this right after PMR ended but Twitter and all started pulling me away. (don't blame me okay, holidays have already started, and at least I have a reason to laze around now) Putting up my photos and clearing my bookshelf was a good start.
2. Catch up with my shows. - Vampire Diaries, Teen Wolf, Glee, Switched At Birth, American Horror Story etc. (and also spend some quality time with my celebrity girlfriends too) don't judge me, how else will I see Heather Morris, Dianna Agron, Chrystal Reed and Candace Accola, huh? - and I have TVD loading while I'm blogging right now so, yay me for multitasking!
3. I'll be traveling at the end of the month, to Cambodia! It's not a mission trip, if you're asking but, I think we might meet up with a church member who's doing missions there and I have no idea what'll happen. A friend once told me that it's a really beautiful place, and I guess I'll ask dad for more photography lessons there. 
4. VBS. I mean, little kids, and teaching them about God. How awesome is that? As this year's theme is 'Amazing Wonders Aviation' well, it's all around the world. Cooooool. I've already started with the preparations and all, so yeah, excited! 
5. Youth camp. - I'm not sure whether I'm going, but I really want to!
6. Caroling - I joined caroling last year, and it was really cool, we sang in The Curve and Tropicana and honestly, it was terrifying. I have never performed in a mall, (actually I have, but not a major mall) and it was really fun though the door got stuck in The Curve and we had to stand there with our butts facing the audience so when we finished so we just stood there. Awkward. *Renee, if you're reading this, YOU BETTER COME. 
7. Outings, well, we've started planning outings already, but I really really really hope it doesn't fail like last year. I need to catch up with my primary school mates man, especially Xin Yueh and Annie and all, I miss them a lot. 
8. Well, I wanted to work to get more cash but lazing around seems more fun right?
9. And of course, Christmas!

I mean, who doesn't love Christmas? It's basically my favorite of the year, the mood is so different, and like when you step into malls you'll hear Christmas carols playing in the shops, and all the decorations, and all the gifts, and the trees. Oh and don't forget that it's the time we celebrate Jesus' birth! I just love Christmas. Can't wait. (and I have already promised to be your Christmas date whether you like it or not, haha) -youknowwhoyouare

She's gone, and that sucks. But I'm glad she's enjoying herself and that she's happy. I miss her, a lot, though. Well, it's basically the last post so yeah. I miss the way she talks so weirdly when she has her retainers on and the way she calls me tau fu after every sentence, and her laugh. I promised her that I'll wait, so yeah, I will. 

Holidays for the win? :)

Will definitely be blogging more often now, and maybe even write songs and continue writing my story. 

Nina Dobrev and Candace Accola are waiting for me, till next time. (I'm watching shows remember?)