#9 Falling to pieces.

Day 19

I haven't been hearing from Natasha for a while, well, not much. I mean, yeah there are the small talks here and there, and it just seems.. different. You know that bad feeling when you have so much to say but all the person says is just a one-word reply and you're just stuck there wondering what you did to make the person so uninterested. It never was like that. Sometimes, I'll be lucky enough to get an 'okay haha', and it's just.. I feel more and more messed up, and I keep thinking to myself, Alex Morrison, everything will be okay.

I really do miss her.

Alex has pretty messed up feelings, and thoughts. Right, ever since the whole Nicole incident, I've been pretty paranoid about his friendships and no way would I want that to happen again, especially for someone like Natasha. Sigh.

Day 25

The worst thing about having feelings like this, well, it just sucks. You don't know what they think, the bad stuff comes haunting you in your thoughts and you fear the ultimate worst, and you mind get filled with 'what ifs'. What if this is the end? What if she forgets me right when she comes back? What if.

At least I try to keep up a conversation, today I just felt bad. It totally felt like I was annoying her.

I remembered how she was always there for me when everything was falling apart, only problem, it was about her. Well, she knows already right? She'll understand. 

'Hey, it'll be cool to have someone to talk to. I hate my feelings.'

'I'm here. What's wrong?' - and that was when I realized I was going to screw this up. U-turn.

'You know what, it's okay.'

'I know you're not, talk to me.' - Guess I don't have much of a choice huh?

'Okay then, it's just that.. I'm scared.'

'Well, let's be scared together. Don't hide things from me, okay?' 

'It's just.. remember before you left and how you were so scared that I'd walk away? Not that I will, ever, but I'm scared you will too.'

'Oh, I won't, silly. Unless you give me a reason to.' 

'I won't, trust me. Sorry about this.'

'It's okay, don't need to apologize. Feeling better?'

'Much better now, thanks to you.'

Day 29

It was pretty much one of those days again. I know if you're reading this, you probably think, this Alex Morrison dude is pretty much one of those manic depressed people, I'm not, it's just, feeling that you're drifting apart from a person you really care about, is the worst thing ever.

Again, it totally feels like I've been annoying her. Maybe I should just leave her alone?

But no, I had to think that if I could tell her what wrong once, it can help again.

'Hey, feeling messed up again, ugh I hate my feelings.'

'You can't hate your feelings, they're a part of you, I'm here. :)'

'I guess it's waiting for you, remember how I promised to wait for you, till you came back? It's harder than I thought.'

'Then give up. You shouldn't do this to yourself.'

'No I won't, you're worth it.'

'You will eventually. Just give up on me.' I never expected that. That was.. really straightforward, kind of like an arrow being shot at you when you can't avoid it, it felt that way.

'I promise, I'll still wait till you're back.'

'No, don't. You're gonna have to stop eventually.'

'You mean, this is a no?'

'Yes, I'm sorry.' 

And everything starts falling apart from here. My mind is all, no no no no, this is not supposed to happen, no it's not supposed to go this way, no no no no no.. and I'll be here just staring into my computer screen, trying so hard to belie this, just not knowing what to think, not knowing what to feel. It felt numb. The memories started pouring in, like walls of brick during an earthquake, it just crushes me, how much I thought that I could have a chance with her, all the times that she smiled, all the songs that made me think of her. I didn't know what to do. Everything is just.. not going the way I wished. From missing her, to getting this. Then some part of me starts thinking, maybe it's better this way, but the other part is thinking about how stupid I was, how much of an idiot I was falling for the popular girl, Natasha Rose? and the other parts are just, stunned, torn, like every thing was breaking apart. I was falling to pieces.

'But why?' I said, sitting there trying to fight tears. Funny how I've never cried for a girl before. This was just the worst thing I could ever think of. This can't be happening.

'I'll never come by, I thought time would tell, but no. I'm sorry.'

The thing I feared the most has happened. I had thought about how we'd spend Christmas together, and I already did make her something, if she said yes. I'd never be able to go to a planetarium with her, and just sit there under the 'stars' and have my arm around her. All the things I thought, I wished would happen, they're just fantasies.

'But do you think that one day, I'll ever get a chance?'

'I doubt so.'

At that point, I was a wreck. I don't believe this. Heck, she hasn't even come back yet. I just want to lay on my bed and stare at the star-covered ceiling, and maybe just cry, no I can't. I was too messed up for that. I needed music, oh wait, my all time favourite song reminds me of her, and the rest of my playlist are songs she introduced. Ugh, sad songs just make me feel worse, I didn't know what to think anymore.

'Mel, you there? I feel so messed up right now. She said no.'

'What? No way, listen to music or something? Everything will be okay.'

'I can't. Everything reminds me of her. I just can't.'

'I'll talk to her. Cheer up, okay?'

'Don't, then she'l think I made you do it. I can't think right, I don't know what I feel anymore.'

'Just cry it out. It'll be better.'

I spent the whole night playing sad songs, till 2 a.m. I couldn't sleep, nor cry. I was just too messed up to feel anything, she was the one thing that mattered so much and now it's like she's drifting away. I can't. I was pretty sure I cried so much inside that it flooded but, I did tear up listening to some of the songs. Especially Somewhere Only We Know, that was like a punch in the gut, and I replayed it again and again, till I slept.

Day 26

 'I just don't see him more than a friend.' -That was what she told Mel.

I just can't do this, I just want to lie in bed and do nothing, somehow I still told myself to wait for her till she's back. 

After all that had happened, it's was like just a huge pile of memories, and locked up feelings. I don't really know what I think or feel anymore, she was the closest I've ever been to a girl, my first date was her. I just couldn't think. All the fantasies, the dreams, it was almost as if she said:

 'Don't dream. It's over.'