#10 For the first time.

I somehow found myself back at a train station, I have a thing for having my heart broken at train stations, somehow, it was pretty dark, all I could do was sit there staring outside the window, gaze at the buildings covered in the moonlight like a blanket. At that moment I noticed, long dark brunette hair, falling over her shoulders, wearing a hoodie. I remembered how I was planning to give her my hoodie while she was gone, as something well, like bringing a part of me along, I guess things didn't turn out that way. It was her, Natasha Rose, I hadn't seen her since she came back from Down Under and we'd been drifting apart since.

Still, it was great to see her again, I missed seeing that face. She's still beautiful. 'Hey... you're.. back. You're back!'

'Hi, I guess so, haha,' she said, as she reached in for a hug.

The hug, I've almost forgotten how it was to have her wrapped in my arms, I missed it, it was one of the only things, and memories I'll remember. It felt great, it made me realize how much she actually meant to me, how much I actually missed her, how much the butterflies were racing through my tummy. A whole lot of feelings were scattering through. I didn't even remember having my heart broken by her anymore. A meteorite could have fallen and I wouldn't even have a single care in the world. 

'I've missed you.' I whispered, as I had my arms around her. 

'Me too.' - and when I let go, well she didn't. Instead, she pulled me even closer, she didn't let go. It reminded me of all the times we were together, how I thought I'd have a chance of being with her, how we spent my first 'date' on that windy day and I wanted to run my fingers through her hair while it was all messy, how she hugged me on her birthday covering me with filth, how much courage it took for me to tell her I had feelings for her, how I made her a little gift, and her hugging me just before she left, leaving me hanging, how I waited even when she said no. Everything came back, rushing through my mind. 

It was the hug I've always dreamt of, everytime, especially when she left.  I never did want to let go when she hugged me, it just felt right, good. When I'm with her everything starts making sense, and it's like she is the Annabeth to Percy, the only thing that kept him going on. 

When we finally let go, unwillingly. All I remember was well, having a new staring-into-the-distance-in-the-train buddy. Sitting there, looking out, I remember asking her something.

'So what are we now?' remembering everything that happened and her rejecting me. 

And that was when I woke up. 

//

Holidays were.. different. We initially planned to spend Christmas together and I wanted to take her caroling but I guess not, she had too many things on anyway.

We are still talking and I guess I'm kind I over the whole rejection thing, I somehow knew it was coming, well nothing like a yes has ever happened to me so I guess that's why the thought of it was lingering in my mind.

After a while I decided that, I couldn't let this try and get over her thing stop me from Skyping her. I mean, it was her who was pretty much what made my nights. It would feel weird without that.

In a a split second, it was almost as if that little layer of awkwardness was shed off, like nothing ever happened.

//

The first day of school was not how I expected it to be at all. Different subjects, different teachers, different.. everything. I was even separated from my friends. At least I still had Haley, Sophie Ann and Tessa Jane. Sooner or later, they would have been the ones being my wing-girls for Natasha. Especially Haley.

I had brought everybody's presents for Christmas, along with their souvenirs from my vacation to Cambodia, which was amazing. With hers, I wanted hers to be special.

Whilst I was overseas, I was really looking for the perfect gift for her, but I failed. Really, it was hard as I had my bars set really high and that was a.. challenge. But just when I thought I gave up, on the last night I found this bracelet for her in one of the shops (for a very reasonable price too!). It was wooden, almost and it had flowers carved on it. It's perfect. I knew it was.

I found a little box that my mom got her necklace in, in one of my drawers, like the ones where you open it and you'd see the necklace shining there. I've kept it even before she managed to throw it out, thankfully. Hence I placed the little bracelet there, with another bracelet. Remember that time I made those angel earrings and gave it to her, and said there was another surprise? That was the one. It was a charm bracelet with a lion and a unicorn. Which is pretty random, I know. With a little heart carved with a flower in it charm. I mean, I didn't put it there to express well, you know. But I really thought it was beautiful. Overall I felt really proud of myself for even managing to put together the bracelet since my hands aren't really made for dainty ol' bracelets there.

Inside the box, was a note.

To Natasha,

Merry Christmas! Haha. The one on top is what I found from Cambodia. The other one is something I did, a while ago. The other present, well you have to open it yourself to see it. Thanks for being there for me, and believing me when I didn't. You've pretty much made my year.

Well, I did get another present for her. It was actually a book, and I knew how much she loved Nicholas Sparks. I saw it in the bookstore and I didn't care about anything because I just had to get it for her.

//

As school ended Mel, Elina, Isaak and I were all gathering there. Just telling each other how our days were, it really did feel different as we were all grouped into different classes, which sucked. Plus, Carmen transferred. Which wasn't what I would have imagined. At all. But seeing them getting all my gifts did feel good, especially Isaak's, when he saw the gift and instantly guessed what it was and thanking me because he really needed it. Carmen even came for a visit, which was one of the better moments of the first day of school.

While waiting for my friends to leave, I felt a bit of deja vu, from when the day Natasha left for Australia. I could feel the suspense and the feeling of wanting to give it to her mixed with wanting to run away. But I guess, I never really did let her go, did I?

As they all left, I started walking towards her. She flashed that smile that as Taylor Swift would say, 'would light up the whole town'. It was almost as if I was meeting her, for the first time, again. It felt weird yet really good to finally see her again, as it was actually the first real time I met her since she came back, in person. Skype doesn't count right? I felt that familiar butterfly in my tummy, that little dance my heart would do when I see her.

'Hey,' she said. 'How was your first day?'

'Pretty boring. I've got work, already.'

'Haha, me too.'

'Well,' yep, I had to give it to her. 'this is for you, Merry Belated Christmas? Haha.'

And as I handed her the first gift, her face was... priceless. I could probably see her light up at that moment right there. It was the best feeling ever.

'You know you really didn't have to right?'

'It's alright, I wanted to.' time for the surprise.

'Well I also have this,' I said as I took out the Nicholas Sparks book. I remember taking a really long time trying to wrap it perfectly and hoping no one touched it while it was under the Christmas tree.

'Hey, I told you not to get me anything, really. I mean, the first one was already good enough.'

'You kind of forgot something.'

'Haha right,' she laughed. 'you do the complete opposite of what I say.'

//

When I came home, I wrote it on a piece of paper. I mean, I was doing this thing I found online where I write anything that makes me smile on a piece of paper, so at the end of the year I'd take it out and pretty much reminisce about them. Thank you , tumblr.

Well, what I wrote was.

Her smile when she got my gifts. 

And this pretty much made me smile for the rest of the day, thinking about it.

This is the new year.

I know I'm late but, happy 2013! :)

Yes, so last year (it still feels weird thinking of 2012 as 'last year') was a great year, all in all I really would go back if I ever had a time machine. I've met so many new people, new friends, developed new relationships. I've learnt to open up more and not be the introvert I used to be. I realized how really really liking someone felt. I learnt that I could actually find happiness in the smallest of things, and I learnt that we have hope, through Christ. 

Well remember my holiday to-do list? I will blog about that soon, I HAVE A LOT TO SAY WOOTS. 

One of my to-do things was to redesign my room, I got a new shelf, re-did my wall, painted my guitar case (I HAVE A GUITAR OH YEAH) , not much but good enough for me to be happy with my room I guess. Excuse the poor quality for the photos.

Voila, my room. 

I did this Tumblr wall thingy. 

This one is kind of like a international shelf. Haha see behind, my favorite childhood puzzle dad gave me from Prague, the phone booth from London, my plane ticket from Cambodia, the Dubai tower, a stick game thingy from Zambia, Africa, the keychain Jia Wen gave me from Thailand. And there is my Bible too! :)

I did this myself by the way :D #proud

Finished shelf, and Jennifer Lawrence says hi. 

The guitar case. 

And writing this, I am approaching the 16th year on Earth. It feels so weird to be sixteen, I feel so.. teenage. It's just really different. 

Resolutions for '13: 

• This year, I'm really trying to be more sociable, make new friends and know more people! I want to step out of my comfort zone a little, like recently I signed up to be part of the worship team for camp and I've always wanted to, but I've never had the guts to sing or play in front of a crowd. This time, I didn't care, this is all going to be for Him and I don't care if it's fails miserably. 
• I want to pass my grade 8 for piano and drums, so bad. Like for the past few grades, I've never even practiced my exam pieces till the actual exams were approaching but this time I'm already practicing my pieces - and I haven't even picked all three yet. 
• I want to draw more. Like do more art stuff, painting my guitar case was a good start, I guess. 
• I want to sharpen my photography skills, like in Cambodia I had a great time hijacking my dad's cool new camera - minus the food poisoning part and the flight back to Malaysia, ugh. Therefore, say hello to your new CF camp 2013 photographer! *applaud*
• By the end of this year, I want to try to write more. Whether if it's on this blog or a song. 
• Renee is forcing me to do a cover, so I guess I have to. What I think would do, My Heart Will Wait by Joe Brooks. 
• Ooh I might be in a band this year! We are still like in the 'let's have a band' part so um yeah it's working well. Cf camp worship would be good practice, and our members- Jen, Tze Ning, Sophia, Isaac, Ed, Mel, and duh me would have Grammys and etc. Hahaha.
• Oh and I urge you all to do this. It's a littlest things that count too. So, whenever you feel down, open it up and remember all the good things from the year. 

This is my jar. 

As I said in my English Essay, this year is going to be great. I have a huge feeling. Even if it's going to be a tough Form 4 year with new subjects and new systems, I will pull through. 

Biology really fascinates me, even if it takes Jimmy Neutron to remember everything, but it is amazing how God created us, how we are fearfully and wonderfully made, with all the smallest details, the smallest cells doing the most important things. It really is amazing. Add math on the other hand, I'll start laughing and staring at the question even before I can go 'Ohhhhh'. Guess add math genius is out for me. 

So this year, I will put memories of the last year behind, and make way for new ones.