#9 Falling to pieces.

Day 19

I haven't been hearing from Natasha for a while, well, not much. I mean, yeah there are the small talks here and there, and it just seems.. different. You know that bad feeling when you have so much to say but all the person says is just a one-word reply and you're just stuck there wondering what you did to make the person so uninterested. It never was like that. Sometimes, I'll be lucky enough to get an 'okay haha', and it's just.. I feel more and more messed up, and I keep thinking to myself, Alex Morrison, everything will be okay.

I really do miss her.

Alex has pretty messed up feelings, and thoughts. Right, ever since the whole Nicole incident, I've been pretty paranoid about his friendships and no way would I want that to happen again, especially for someone like Natasha. Sigh.

Day 25

The worst thing about having feelings like this, well, it just sucks. You don't know what they think, the bad stuff comes haunting you in your thoughts and you fear the ultimate worst, and you mind get filled with 'what ifs'. What if this is the end? What if she forgets me right when she comes back? What if.

At least I try to keep up a conversation, today I just felt bad. It totally felt like I was annoying her.

I remembered how she was always there for me when everything was falling apart, only problem, it was about her. Well, she knows already right? She'll understand. 

'Hey, it'll be cool to have someone to talk to. I hate my feelings.'

'I'm here. What's wrong?' - and that was when I realized I was going to screw this up. U-turn.

'You know what, it's okay.'

'I know you're not, talk to me.' - Guess I don't have much of a choice huh?

'Okay then, it's just that.. I'm scared.'

'Well, let's be scared together. Don't hide things from me, okay?' 

'It's just.. remember before you left and how you were so scared that I'd walk away? Not that I will, ever, but I'm scared you will too.'

'Oh, I won't, silly. Unless you give me a reason to.' 

'I won't, trust me. Sorry about this.'

'It's okay, don't need to apologize. Feeling better?'

'Much better now, thanks to you.'

Day 29

It was pretty much one of those days again. I know if you're reading this, you probably think, this Alex Morrison dude is pretty much one of those manic depressed people, I'm not, it's just, feeling that you're drifting apart from a person you really care about, is the worst thing ever.

Again, it totally feels like I've been annoying her. Maybe I should just leave her alone?

But no, I had to think that if I could tell her what wrong once, it can help again.

'Hey, feeling messed up again, ugh I hate my feelings.'

'You can't hate your feelings, they're a part of you, I'm here. :)'

'I guess it's waiting for you, remember how I promised to wait for you, till you came back? It's harder than I thought.'

'Then give up. You shouldn't do this to yourself.'

'No I won't, you're worth it.'

'You will eventually. Just give up on me.' I never expected that. That was.. really straightforward, kind of like an arrow being shot at you when you can't avoid it, it felt that way.

'I promise, I'll still wait till you're back.'

'No, don't. You're gonna have to stop eventually.'

'You mean, this is a no?'

'Yes, I'm sorry.' 

And everything starts falling apart from here. My mind is all, no no no no, this is not supposed to happen, no it's not supposed to go this way, no no no no no.. and I'll be here just staring into my computer screen, trying so hard to belie this, just not knowing what to think, not knowing what to feel. It felt numb. The memories started pouring in, like walls of brick during an earthquake, it just crushes me, how much I thought that I could have a chance with her, all the times that she smiled, all the songs that made me think of her. I didn't know what to do. Everything is just.. not going the way I wished. From missing her, to getting this. Then some part of me starts thinking, maybe it's better this way, but the other part is thinking about how stupid I was, how much of an idiot I was falling for the popular girl, Natasha Rose? and the other parts are just, stunned, torn, like every thing was breaking apart. I was falling to pieces.

'But why?' I said, sitting there trying to fight tears. Funny how I've never cried for a girl before. This was just the worst thing I could ever think of. This can't be happening.

'I'll never come by, I thought time would tell, but no. I'm sorry.'

The thing I feared the most has happened. I had thought about how we'd spend Christmas together, and I already did make her something, if she said yes. I'd never be able to go to a planetarium with her, and just sit there under the 'stars' and have my arm around her. All the things I thought, I wished would happen, they're just fantasies.

'But do you think that one day, I'll ever get a chance?'

'I doubt so.'

At that point, I was a wreck. I don't believe this. Heck, she hasn't even come back yet. I just want to lay on my bed and stare at the star-covered ceiling, and maybe just cry, no I can't. I was too messed up for that. I needed music, oh wait, my all time favourite song reminds me of her, and the rest of my playlist are songs she introduced. Ugh, sad songs just make me feel worse, I didn't know what to think anymore.

'Mel, you there? I feel so messed up right now. She said no.'

'What? No way, listen to music or something? Everything will be okay.'

'I can't. Everything reminds me of her. I just can't.'

'I'll talk to her. Cheer up, okay?'

'Don't, then she'l think I made you do it. I can't think right, I don't know what I feel anymore.'

'Just cry it out. It'll be better.'

I spent the whole night playing sad songs, till 2 a.m. I couldn't sleep, nor cry. I was just too messed up to feel anything, she was the one thing that mattered so much and now it's like she's drifting away. I can't. I was pretty sure I cried so much inside that it flooded but, I did tear up listening to some of the songs. Especially Somewhere Only We Know, that was like a punch in the gut, and I replayed it again and again, till I slept.

Day 26

 'I just don't see him more than a friend.' -That was what she told Mel.

I just can't do this, I just want to lie in bed and do nothing, somehow I still told myself to wait for her till she's back. 

After all that had happened, it's was like just a huge pile of memories, and locked up feelings. I don't really know what I think or feel anymore, she was the closest I've ever been to a girl, my first date was her. I just couldn't think. All the fantasies, the dreams, it was almost as if she said:

 'Don't dream. It's over.' 

#9 When you're gone.

Day 1

The day she was leaving, Alex couldn't bear the thought that somehow, there'll be a chance that he'll lose her, that she'll come back a different person, completely forgetting him. He really had to start getting used to not texting someone, not staying up late Skyping, she pretty much was the one who was on his mind the entire day. He took the advantage of the time left texting her, starting with his usual goodmorning text. As the day progressed, he really did realize, she, Natasha Rose IS leaving, yeah for 42 days but she will be gone, he won't be seeing her, it hit him, bad.

'Oh my gosh, I seriously can't believe that I'm leaving today, today! Can't wait!'

'.. Me too :( have fun okay, done packing?'

'Just a few more things and I'm done.'

'Well, I'd rather not disturb you then. Talk to you later, okay?' And he looked at his phone, he couldn't help but feel sad. 

As her flight approached, he already had this text saved in his phone, well he didn't know when her flight was so just in case. 

'Hey, stay safe okay? Have fun there, and eat loads of stuff on my behalf! Remember when I said I was gonna wait for you? I really am, okay? I promise. Gonna miss you, bye princess.'

'Haha I still have 2 hours before I board the plane, silly. Chill. xD I'll call you once I'm almost leaving okay?' 

'Oh, I didn't know, okay. xD Re-read that message once you're on the plane then, haha,' he realized his battery was dying, worst. timing. ever. 'I don't think you can thought, my battery's dying.'

'Aww :( okay weirdo. Amagas I'm so excited! The plane's leaving in 10 minutes! Bye :)'

'Noo :( hey re-read the text okay? I really am gonna wait for you, and call me on the plane, if there's signal! :) Gonna miss you.'

'There's never line on the plane, silly xD The doors and windows are shut tight, where on earth do I get signal? Hahaha. Bye :')'

'Oh I totally knew that.' Alex facepalmed himself. Silly me. 'Will be counting down the days till you come back. Bye.'

'Yay you :) okay, on the plane now, doors aren't closed yet, so I guess this will get through, gonna turn of my phone now, bye. Will talk to you online when I'm there, okay? :)'

Okay, he thought, Bye, as he put down his phone. He somehow had the thought of losing her lingering in the back of his mind for some reason.

Day 2

He woke up to a text, he knew it definitely couldn't have been her,  well it ruined his sleep so he better check it anyway, right?

The look of surprise on his face when he saw who it was from, was priceless. Natasha? Wait what?

'Hey you, don't reply this okay, it'll cost you loads. Anyway, I just reached here, and my back hurts, bad luck me.'

That, made his day, knowing that he was still well, unforgotten. Silly girl, didn't you know it'll cost you more? She was the cutest this way, it made him smile.

Day 5

He got a call from Mel, saying that Natasha went online and asked her to get him online. Whoah. Okay, knowing that she'll tell his friends to call him, kind of makes him happy for some weird reason.

Well, he went on Skype, without hesitating, knowing the fact that his mom will probably kill him if she found out. He didn't care anyway, he missed Natasha a lot, to see her face again, will be the best thing that could happen.

As they talked, she explained how different Australia is from Malaysia, and how things are around there. She still looks flawless, he thought. She showed him the kitchen of the house she was staying in, and tempted him with more food. He missed this.

Day 10

They've been talking everyday, small talks and all. Tonight, she asked him to come on Skype, while he was watching a movie. Worst timing. 

'I can't, I'm watching a movie, but I'll come on later?'

'Nah, it's okay.'

He really felt like he should, well his movie was ending anyway. 'You totally forgot how I do the exact opposite of what you tell me not to right?'

'Seriously, it's okay.'

He went on anyway, and he didn't regret it a single bit. He found out that since he told her he couldn't, she'd be talking to another friend instead. He started to feel a teensy weensy bit jealous, oh no, it's just a friend, come on, Alex! You're not even together. 

'Hey, I came on anyway. :)'

'Hahaha hii :)'

That was probably one of the best calls he's made, he'd never smiled so much. He missed being all weird and lame around her, although it was just through a computer screen. She started talking about her shows and explaining the parts of it that he never understood, it was way better than the last time where she spoiled the first three episodes of Glee before he could even watch them.

And then she started going all Brooklyn and was like 'oh no she di-dn't' at her show and doing the three Z formation snapping thingy, and laughing at him cus he couldn't shake his head right.

Whenever the Skype had little glitches and all, it was cute that they called it the Skype monster. Right at that very moment well, the monster invaded and he hanged. She started laughing, and he knew something was up, that was until he heard camera shot sounds and realized she was screenshotting him. Oh no. 

She started showing him the little album she has, of him. His face hanged at really.. weird expressions, pictures of him when he fell asleep on the call, some of him being a camwhore. Most of them, weren't pretty. She was definitely plotting something.

He started challenging her to a see who can take more embarrassing screenshots of each other. 'Bring it on.' he said, and he realized he was losing so bad. She could make a whole album out of his pictures, while he barely had ten to start with. He remembered the time, she started acting like a beauty queen doing the wave, *snap*; and the time she fell asleep, *snap*; and somehow she'd forgotten that he'd threaten to post the pictures and started freaking out watching her show, and her face was... priceless. *snap, snap, snap*

That was till it was like midnight where he was and he had to go. He'd somehow always wait for her to hear that, and she'll say goodbye, and smile back, waving. He really liked her smile. Well, he did not regret that at all.

And the screen was black again, and she logged out.

I miss you, he said under his breath.

I promise to be your fairytale.

I don't know about you but sometimes I fantasize, a lot. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I am the time of guy who believes in cliche happy endings and well she's the girl I imagine being with, the little thoughts I'd have before I sleep, I'd think of the perfect first date, or when I just finished a show or a really really good book, I'll imagine her being the lead and thinking I want that little Nicholas Sparks story.

Lately I've really started to enjoy books (I don't know why but books to little kid Ryan was like giving a child his medicine) I've really come to appreciate what the stories tell and keep this a secret, but I'm a sucker for love stories. (I just posted it on the internet, not so much of a secret after all huh?) Like, some of them just tug my heartstrings so bad they make me all warm and fuzzy inside and get me thinking what if I had something like that with her. I'm not that kind of guy who gives up easily, I mean my feelings don't just 'go away' like poof. I really despise guys who treat girls as if they mean nothing even thought they are their girlfriends and all, and through books, I strive to be the kind of guy you'd read about, though the guys are usually good-looking and all, I don't have that, but I still am that cheesy little nice guy, who wants to be the type of guy you'd hear Taylor Swift finally writing that happy-ever-after song about.

"It’s not necessary. My nightmares are usually about losing you,” he says. “I’m okay once I realize you’re here."

I want to be the Peeta to her Katniss, how they had to protect each other knowing that their survival meant each other's happiness. I'll be her Peeta, feeling okay knowing that she's here. How scared I would be if I ever lost her.

'The world can pass by without me, without us. Just as long as we stay here, together, in each other's arms.'

And the John Smith (number 4) to her Sarah Hart. Knowing that he'll risk everything to keep her safe even though he had to run as he was being hunted down. He'd go back for even when it's the most dangerous thing to do, and she is constantly on his mind missing her. How beautiful it'll feel to have her in my arms.

Percy threw his arms around her. They kissed, and for a moment nothing else mattered. An asteroid  could have hit the planet and wiped out all life, and Annabeth wouldn't have cared.

The Percy to Annabeth. How she was the only thing he could remember even though his memory was totally wiped out and was forced to run away from all the attacks that might have come. How the vague memory of her was the one thing that kept him going and when he finally found her he never wanted to lose her ever again. The relationship with the teasing, inside jokes, super lame nicknames.

'It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.'

The Charlie to her Sam, how he waited for her, and her happiness meant his own, and that even though he had a chance with her he respected her and all he wanted was her happiness as a priority.

Her favorite, the Landon to her Jamie. How he'd never expect to ever fall in love in her, yet knowing how demure she is, she could still be so stunningly beautiful. How she was his miracle.

And well not just books you  know? Shows, movies, gosh they just somehow mess with my feelings, I never cry watching a movie, in fact I've never cried watching anything, no matter how sad it is. Back to the point, they make me go to bed all warm and fuzzy inside making me picture more and more unrealistic scenarios, hey a guy can dream right?

  

Brittany: 'You're the only one who understands me so well.'

Sam: 'Maybe it's cus we're both blonde.'

Like, I'd be her Sam to Brittany. How he was there for her even though they're not together while she was going through a really rough break-up. How they understand each other and only getting each other's blonde intelligence. How cute they are (if they end up together), how they put smiles on people's faces, being one of the funnier and one-liner worthy ones.

 

I promise to be her Damon to Elena. How he knows that she belongs with someone else but still loves her unconditionally. And Stefan to Elena, how the one thing keeping him from completely switching off his humanity was her. And Tyler to Caroline, how he was willing to change for her safety. I'll be like him, and always be there when you need someone, and Klaus to Caroline, being the sweet romantic one.


Her Scott to Alison, who never stopped loving her even though it meant endangering himself, and how they managed to pull through despite everything.

  

Truth is, I can never be all of these guys at once, but I'll definitely try, or at least wait, 'cause it's worth it, you're worth it. You's special and well, I want her to really believe that she is. I'll promise to be like them, to hold you close, to tell you that you're beautiful, to be able to go to the mall or something and be proud to have you to be mine, to be the one having cheesy nicknames and tease each other, to always be there for you, to make you happy. I've had this little fantasy of this perfect date and I'll bring you to my favorite spot in the bookshop, the place overlooking a park and has a clear view of the sky, where you'd have your head on my shoulder with my hoodie on you, we'll read together, as the sun sets and I'll put my arm around you, as we spoil each other's stories, and I'll tell you that you're beautiful, like the sky.

I promise to be your Peeta, your John, your Landon, your Charlie, your Sam, your Stefan, your Damon, your Tyler, your Klaus, your Scott. Yours. 

Everything has changed.

This might not make sense but, hello blog.

There's this girl, you've probably heard about her before, well, she's the one thing that so special. She's beautiful, she's smart, she's talented, she's funny, she's adorable, she's dorky and weird -in a good way, kind of like me-, she is what I imagine when I read, when I watch something, I'll imagine her playing the lead.

Most of the time, I think I actually have a shot, to be with her, to be hers, I guess. I want to be the guy who makes her happy and all, she knows that. It's just, I don't know why, I'm so insecure. Like, what if I'm not good enough and she'll just walk away, or if she just thinks I'm too clingy and doesn't like my attitude like the last time I had feelings for someone. I'm too emotional, apparently.

She's afraid I'd walk away while she's away, but I promised her I never will. Never. I don't just give up like that, I mean, I didn't even get an answer, and it's like when she said that I kind of reflected on myself. I noticed, every single time I'd have feelings for a girl, they start to walk away, and we'd drift apart after they find out I like them. Take my first ever relationship, well I don't think it was a relationship, I was too young, immature, she just told me to well, break up after a month. It makes sense now, that I was kind of a crappy whatever-you-call-it, boyfriend. I never did call her or tell her I loved her in person, or held her hand. I regret that.

This time it's different, she hasn't walked away, now that she knows. She's actually is considering it, I guess. It's like, sometimes I wonder what she actually thinks of me, again comes the insecure part. Somehow she's different than all the other girls, I've never like sent super long cheesy good morning texts before, or called someone for more than an hour talking crap, or late night webcam sessions, we're not even together. And it's like when I'm with her, the whole world could pass me by, it's just her that matters. I've never told someone I love them in person, or telling a girl through a letter by giving it to her face-to-face, I've never done that, but it seems like for her, everything was worth it.

Gosh sometimes I feel like I'm nothing to her, like she just talks to me,  cus I start the conversation and when she's feeling down, sometimes I can't help but feel useless when I try my hardest but it doesn't work. Or sometimes it feels like I'm being pushed away and I'll just be there like '..okay' and feel neglected. It just sucks to feel that way.

I just want her to be happy, you know?

Sometimes I just don't think I'm good enough for that. It kinda sucks.

Truth is, nothing is perfect. If I want some perfect thingy then maybe I should just watch more movies. Dreams, are reachable if you want it, if its an ambition or even a special someone. I've learnt to fight for the person I love. To wait even if its like till the time everything falls apart. To be there for her whenever and always. To tell her she's beautiful when she's insecure and that I love the little flaws she dislikes, cus I love everything she doesn't like abut herself. I think she is special, beautiful, amazing, and well, imagine your happiest day, and then imagine being with your best friend, and then look at the sunset and get awestruck, and you'll have that little smile on your face? That's exactly how she makes me feel.

it is scary isn't it? Being in love with someone and not knowing what they think about you. But the most beautiful thing is seeing the one you love smiling and knowing you're the reason behind that smile. I strive for that.

I guess five years ago I wouldn't have guess that I'll be doing things the way I do now, my feelings, well everything has changed.

Well right now, let's just say that it sucks having messed up feelings.

Sometimes this is exactly how I feel. 

Day 11 out of 42.

#BeforeIDie I would want to travel the world with that one person. 

 

In a blink of an eye, the whole school semester of 2012 has ended. It feels too fast, no?

I have like a million and one things planned, and I really hope they don't all go down the drain like last year. Okay, shall list out what I'll do. *woots*

1. I have to clean my room so bad.  -This kinda failed, 'cus I planned to do this right after PMR ended but Twitter and all started pulling me away. (don't blame me okay, holidays have already started, and at least I have a reason to laze around now) Putting up my photos and clearing my bookshelf was a good start.
2. Catch up with my shows. - Vampire Diaries, Teen Wolf, Glee, Switched At Birth, American Horror Story etc. (and also spend some quality time with my celebrity girlfriends too) don't judge me, how else will I see Heather Morris, Dianna Agron, Chrystal Reed and Candace Accola, huh? - and I have TVD loading while I'm blogging right now so, yay me for multitasking!
3. I'll be traveling at the end of the month, to Cambodia! It's not a mission trip, if you're asking but, I think we might meet up with a church member who's doing missions there and I have no idea what'll happen. A friend once told me that it's a really beautiful place, and I guess I'll ask dad for more photography lessons there. 
4. VBS. I mean, little kids, and teaching them about God. How awesome is that? As this year's theme is 'Amazing Wonders Aviation' well, it's all around the world. Cooooool. I've already started with the preparations and all, so yeah, excited! 
5. Youth camp. - I'm not sure whether I'm going, but I really want to!
6. Caroling - I joined caroling last year, and it was really cool, we sang in The Curve and Tropicana and honestly, it was terrifying. I have never performed in a mall, (actually I have, but not a major mall) and it was really fun though the door got stuck in The Curve and we had to stand there with our butts facing the audience so when we finished so we just stood there. Awkward. *Renee, if you're reading this, YOU BETTER COME. 
7. Outings, well, we've started planning outings already, but I really really really hope it doesn't fail like last year. I need to catch up with my primary school mates man, especially Xin Yueh and Annie and all, I miss them a lot. 
8. Well, I wanted to work to get more cash but lazing around seems more fun right?
9. And of course, Christmas!

I mean, who doesn't love Christmas? It's basically my favorite of the year, the mood is so different, and like when you step into malls you'll hear Christmas carols playing in the shops, and all the decorations, and all the gifts, and the trees. Oh and don't forget that it's the time we celebrate Jesus' birth! I just love Christmas. Can't wait. (and I have already promised to be your Christmas date whether you like it or not, haha) -youknowwhoyouare

She's gone, and that sucks. But I'm glad she's enjoying herself and that she's happy. I miss her, a lot, though. Well, it's basically the last post so yeah. I miss the way she talks so weirdly when she has her retainers on and the way she calls me tau fu after every sentence, and her laugh. I promised her that I'll wait, so yeah, I will. 

Holidays for the win? :)

Will definitely be blogging more often now, and maybe even write songs and continue writing my story. 

Nina Dobrev and Candace Accola are waiting for me, till next time. (I'm watching shows remember?)

#8 The hardest goodbye.

It was the day before Natasha had to leave, well not really the day before but, it was the last day Alex could see her before she leaves. Though Alex was, happy that she could have fun, and be happy and all, he couldn't help wondering what lingers after. Without her leaving, he'd already known that he'll miss her, a lot.

School was on, as usual, but since the exams were over and the classrooms can't be used the freshmen were to be spending their days in the school hall. Which meant, he could see her more often. As no lessons were to be taught anymore (yay) they spent their time playing board games and card games and other stuff you'd do when you're really bored and don't know what to do.

Sometimes, while playing his UNO or whatever with the gang he'd stop and somehow lose his attention and glance over and see what she's up to. She was somehow either opposite where he was, or near him, which was.. cool. Once as he was playing he looked towards her and she somehow noticed, and smiled at him. Whoah. but he smiled back, with butterflies flying around his stomach, hoping she wouldn't notice that, as his heart did a little backflip. Day made, right there. 

It was such a coincidence that the last day he'd see her, she had brought her guitar. He really liked it when she played, yet somehow she never realized how good she really is, she's talented, all right. He'd drift away and listen and remember the time in Mel's house when they both sang and the was she looked at him and oh gosh he was just too mesmerized, the look in her eyes, gosh he'd never noticed before, she had beautiful eyes, though it was just plain brownish but he loved them.

The teacher arranged a little handicraft section for the students and though he hesitated to go, Elena went anyway so he had no choice. But as he saw Ed doing little accessories for Mel, he had to do one for her too. It was the least he could do anyway, knowing that she'd been there for him when he needed someone, and as a little thingy before she leaves. That was the one time he didn't like the fact that he had huge fingers so that made it hard for him to do little dainty craft works.

He didn't care anyway, she means a lot to him.

He ended up with a pair of angel earrings (he still remembered how to make an angel keychain from Cf camp so he twitched a little here and there and voila!) 'That is so cute!' Elena complimented, 'She'll like that, a lot.'

There was another thing, but that's a surprise.

//

She normally goes to Marissa's house to pick up her stuff, and when Alex, Elena and Mel go on their little 'MI' he somehow catches her and they smile for just a second but it makes his day. So he waited where he thought he'll see her.

'Oh gosh, should I give her?' Alex asked Elena, who was waiting with him.

'Come on, if you could give the letter, you can definitely do this!'

'Really?' he started hesitating. Not a good sign. 'Oh, your bus is here, bye! Wish me luck.'

His wait was what he thought was forever, maybe she's spending her last day with her friends in Marissa's house or something, he thought.

He actually planned to wait there, and when she goes to the little spot where she waits for her transport, he'll walk by and talk and then pass the little gift to her. Not as easy as he thought.

After awhile, she came out of the house, somehow she still manages to look pretty even when she's wearing her uniform, he smiled, and waved. He thought it was adorable that she smiles so cute exposing her braces, as she waved back. His heart seemed to beat faster. It was almost as if the whole world blurred out, and she was the only one he saw.

Okay, you got what you wished for, Alex. What now? he started thinking. Don't chicken out, you can do this. 

Well, he ended up standing on the same spot awkwardly for a whole minute. Until, he saw her, walking towards him instead. His heart fluttered.

'My transporter left without me again.' Natasha said with her cute little frown.

'Haha, again?'

'Sadly, yes.'

'Hey, uh, open up your hand.'

She opened up her palm and he dropped the angel earrings there. She looked at it, surprised.

'Thanks,' as she smiled at him.

'Anyways, how you going back?'

'I have no idea. I'll call my mom, maybe I'll wait at Marissa's house.'

'Okay then, I'll stay here till you leave.'

'You don't need to, you know?'

'I want to.'

As they talked, he realized that, this was the last time he'll see her in person (yeah, they'll Skype and all, but it's different.) He'll really miss her when she's gone. While she called her mom, her fringe fell all over her face, and she blew it up, and they both laughed, she's so cute like that, he thought.

'I think I should wait in Marissa's house, my parents aren't free right now so yeah, I have to go. I guess I won't be seeing you till I don't know when so..'

and she hugged him. He'd been wanting this to happen ever since she hugged him on her birthday, he didn't want to let go. He hugged her back.

'You know I'm gonna miss you when you're gone right?'

'I'll be back, silly. And you just patted my guitar, haha.' (He was really awkward when it came to hugs okay.)

Well, he wanted it last longer, how good it felt to have her in her arms. Yet, another part of him sank a little, 'cause he wouldn't be seeing her anytime soon, he won't be waking up to texts he fell asleep waiting for, he won't wake up to send a good morning text to her for now, and lastly he'll miss the late night Skype sessions they have where they just really goof around and it really makes his nights special, she is special.

'I whisper goodbye, I swear it's not for the last time, I know it's not easy, this could never be easy.'

//

He walked home, feeling happy, yet sad at the same time, ambivalence. He reached his room, dumped his bag, and texted her.

'Hey, hope you like the thing. :)'

Her reply made his day even more.

I love it. :) Thank you so much. :')

#7 I remember it all too well.

'Hey I know that you're probably thinking to yourself how you shouldn't have given that note to me, but I promise that things won't be awkward, chill. Just give me some time, okay? :)'

She's considering it. NATASHA IS CONSIDERING IT. YES. YES YES! Alex was really relieved, Alex really thought he screwed up, he was so afraid he'd lose one of the people who meant so much to him, he was.. happy.

'Okay *phew* you have no idea how relieved then. I thought I'd lose you.'

'No way, silly boy :) call me later okay?'

Okay, he didn't screw up, yay! Now it's just a matter of time, and the decision she makes. Uh-oh. But yeah, right at that very moment he should probably be apologizing to his tummy for all the butterflies because right then, he could have flown to the moon and back hearing that.

He actually has a chance now, this might actually work out for him. He might actually get the chance to be with the one girl he really really likes. He might actually get to be happy.

//

A week has passed since he told her, and he hasn't heard any answer so far.

They still talk, like nothing had happened, but he'd wonder what she was thinking now that she knew. Could we still talk like how we do? Well, in fact they did, they still do.

Her holiday to Australia was coming up, and he wished that she didn't have to leave but, this trip, was one of her motivations to push through the exams, he wanted her to be happy, she really had been waiting a long time for this.

He asked her whether she needed more time that Monday when he texted her goodnight, and fell asleep waiting for the text. The morning after he checked his phone,  she replied after all, brace yourself, Alex, this might be bad. He somehow could always think the worst at times.

'Morning weirdo :) heh, honestly I don't know. I'm.. pretty emotional, you know that, I don't know whether you'd be able to handle it.' 

Yeap, she is gonna say no, definitely. he thought.

'You know what? I know I'm not perfect but I'd try okay, I'm willing to at least be there for you, and I know that I can't solve everything but, I'll make sure you won't be facing your problems alone, I'm here.' he replied.

'Still, I'll be gone, 42 days is pretty long you know, anything can happen, that's what happened the last time, we just drifted apart, and that only lasted a month.' 

'You know what? Remember in the note, I said I've been feeling this for awhile now? Awhile was since May or June, I don't know why or how, but I knew it was you, and half those days I barely saw you, so yeah I doubt that 42 days will make me walk away.'

'But it is a long time, most people just walk away like that.'

'I promise you, I won't walk away. My feelings don't go so easily, I guess.'

He thought about it, yeah, he had been there for her during her lows and sometimes he helped lift her up, but sometimes he couldn't help but feel useless when his efforts don't work, and he'd pray that she'd be okay and all. She really did mean a lot to him, gosh he'd never walk away. No.

Well somehow their topic changed into.. a less deep conversation but at the end, he told her.

'You know what, I'm gonna wait. At least till you come back but yeah, I'd never walk away, I promise you. It's worth the wait.'

Yes, he is gonna wait, and imagine playing the Joe Brooks song My Heart Will Wait there, every single  lyric suited what he wanted to tell her.

'So, don't give up, girl don't give in, don't stop believing in me, this is just the beginning. 'Cause my heart will wait, my heart will wait for you, always.'

She is worth this, she's worth everything.

#6 The big day.

And just like that, the major exams were over, to Alex it meant THE day was here.

As he woke up the day before, it hit him hard, the day he was so eagerly waiting for, it was less than 24 hours away. Oh no. And as he lay down on his bed daydreaming, staring at his glow-in-the-dark stars covered ceiling, the thoughts running through his mind, somehow made him hesitate to really do this, yet made him really really want to do it.

Crap, should I really do this? She means so much to me, what if I ruin this? No, I've been liking her I have no idea when, I should tell her. No I shouldn't, she'll walk away from you. Yes I should. No, we're so close now, what if? Gosh, yes yes yes I should just do this, I don't care what happens, I just want her to know how I feel. What if...

'ALEX, WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR CHURCH IF YOU DON'T GET OFF YOUR BED!'

'Oh no,' He didn't realize that even though he woke up at 8, he was just lying down there for 2 hours. 'COMING, MOM!'

//

The bell rang, which meant that the exams were over, and the time had come. *dramatic music*

He spent the time after he finished his paper trying to think of the right words to say,  picturing scenarios on what might happen. Would she say yes right away? Would she read it, and just shyly walk away? Would she answer with 'I need some time' or something? Or would he lose everything and the girl he really really wanted to be with?

Alex thought remembered the letter he wrote a few months back which was in his bag the very moment. He thought about what he wrote and how there were so many other things he wanted to say to her.
I want to be the guy you'd call in the middle of the night when you can't sleep and the guy who'd tell you that you're beautiful when you're insecure and send you goodmorning texts or call you late at night . I want to be the guy you'd have movie dates with and you'd be crying whilst I'll hug you tighter in my arms and my sleeve would be totally wet. Or the guy you'd make covers with and filling up the bloopers with so many failed attempts and inside jokes only we'd understand. I want to be that guy.

and when the bell rang he thought about the text messages Haley, Elena and Mel sent him. They were rooting for him, that meant a lot.

And when the teacher walked around the class collecting the testpapers he was on the edge of his seat, impatiently waiting for all of 'em to be dismissed, so he could run out and catch her before she leaves after waiting for him when he asked her to the night before.

He ran out of the class room, and after a few more wishes of luck, he headed to the back-gate.

Okay, you can do this, Alex. Don't screw up. Alex thought. I really hope you say yes, Natasha, you have no idea how much you mean to me. 

After waiting quite a while, there she was, looking pretty as ever. He really thought how she is worth this, well, she really was. Why did I ever hesitate? 

'Hey, how was the exams?' said Natasha, man was he really shaking now. 'Why'd you ask me to come here anyway?'

'It was pretty tough actually, hmm.' he thought about the tree he once told her to wait under during their study date but she didn't know which tree 'cus um, there were too many trees, haha. 'follow me.'

And yes, he brought her there, and she was so puzzled on what was happening.

'Uh, where are we going?'

and he stopped, and pointed up. 'Here, tree.'

'Okay, I think you know this, but don't freak out, okay?' and he took out a note, his letter.

'What's that?'

'Read it.'

'Whoah, that's long.' Natasha really didn't know what was going on did she? Silly girl.  'Anyways, I've gotta go, Marissa's waiting for me at her house.'

Oh right, she was supposed to be at her best friends house to celebrate the end of the exams.

'Well, bye Natasha?'

'Bye.' as she walked away.

//

Oh crap, I screwed up, so bad. So so bad. Big mistake, oh no what if she doesn't talk to me anymore? This sucks. Why must I be like this?

Yep, he was practically talking to himself the whole way while walking home. Well, in his mind.

He waited for a reply, or maybe should he start the conversation first? What if it gets awkward?
and as his friends all texted him asking how it all went, he couldn't help but feel sorry for himself, he always loses the girl, their friendship, when he tells them. He was never fortunate enough.

This time, it was different, no girl has ever meant so much to him, or been so close to him, and he'd never done it face to face, since he'd always sneak it in her book or pass it to her friend with the previous crushes. She, Natasha Rose, was different, she was special.

but then he heard his phone ringing, great, another text asking how did it go. 

He was surprised to see who's name was on the screen. He was dreaming, he should have been, as these words were clearly on the screen:

New message from Natasha Rose. 

Day 1.

I really do miss you, a lot.

It feels weird not seeing your text, or seeing your face at night before I go to bed.

This is harder than I thought. I miss your laugh, the way you talk so hilariously when you put your retainers on, the way you'd laugh when I speak Chinese especially the ointment thingy heh, the way you'd hide under your blanket and snark, the way I'd scare you all the time (not regretting that, sorry :P), the way you'd say 'thau huu' or 'pa-yunts' hahaha.

I know it's like less than two months but I still miss you. And it's like I'll only Skype you when I Skype you which kinda is good but but yeaaahh.

And I know it's quite long but I promise you I'll be waiting. Because a noble knight always waits for his princess.

Stay safe okay?

#5 Today was a fairytale.

Day by day he was falling or her more and more as the last day of the exams drew nearer and nearer. He couldn't wait, it was like... waiting for water in a drought.

Well, Natasha's birthday was near and it really hit him that, he wanted something special for her, something super awesome that is like super memorable. He waited on the phone the birthday eve, well he was tutoring her anyway and he counted down, when it was 11:59 he started going '60, 59, 58, 57..' and yeah, voila, the super awesomest-but-failed birthday wish.

No, he thought, don't tell her yet, wait.

The actual day itself, after school he saw her and wished her again. As she was being thrown with all of I-have-no-idea-what-that-stuff-is oh wait, flour. As she was all drenched, all white and filthy, Alex offered her his umbrella, just in case she needs it, or maybe use it for self-defence, Brittany style. :D

'A little too late now isn't it?' said Natasha, looking down at herself all um, cleaned up.

'But but, just in case, you know?'

'It's okay, wanna hug?'

'OH CRAP NO.' Alex said 'No no no no no.'

Too late, she hugged him, dirtying his bag, his uniform, but he didn't care. He wished it lasted longer, he wished he could do it, like as a you-know-what. But no, her friends started splashing her again, dirtying them both but he didn't care, he wanted to go back to the time to when that happened. I know, it was just a hug, but but it is a hug. A hug, hug. The smile on his face when that happened, priceless.

'Not bad eh, she hugged you!' Alex kind of forgotten that Elena was right next to him when that happened. 'Heh, that was cool. Progress!'

As they walked to where Mel and Eddie Kaynes were (it was such a coincidence that Mel's boyfriend had the same birthday) he realized, he wanted what they had. They've been together for 2 and a half years now, almost 3 and still they are so cute together, they're so happy, almost nothing could come between them. He couldn't even imagine her with anybody else (he kind of expects them to get married as high-school sweethearts and have little tiny Smurf babies together). That, is love, right there.

It made him jealous yet warm and fuzzy inside when Mel planned the whole day with the gang being the stations for the 'Amazing Ed Race' a.k.a 'The 74th Annual Meddie Games' isn't that the cutest? Isaak, Elena and Alex were all part of them, and though it was pretty spontaneous, no one really knew what to do so they ended up going 'Go find the lamb' or 'go find the short Doraemon' but the last one was the one where everyone would go 'AWWWW'.

Isaak was the second last station, and all he gave as a clue was 'The turtle'. In a snap of a finger he could think that it was his girlfriend indeed, as she was pretty um, clueless. 'What do you call something with no body and no nose?' 'A turtle?' Yeeaaah.

The last clue lead to her, and she was there under the tree, waiting for him, holding the card she made.
As the gang watched from far away, all they could do was to squeal with excitement as they both talked and talked and BAM they kissed. Her second kiss, ever.

As Ed went back she came to the gang touching her lips and her smile, truly she was happy. Alex was happy, for them, and for himself -duh.

And while walking home, Alex walked with an unimaginable smile, he wanted to go back to the hug, he wanted his arms around her, he wanted to be hers. He wanted what Mel and Ed had. He was happy the whole day, well cus' today was a fairytale.

Candace and Jeremy, this is what he wants. 

It ends tonight.

... and just like that, PMR is over.

It's seems so fast, so surreal. Like, the first day of the exam, it just hit me, 'yeah, I really am Form 3. I feel so teenage.' it seems like just yesterday, that I've enrolled myself into this school, in Form 1 and now, I was about to talk my first ever major exam determining my future here. It just felt so recent, time really really does fly fast, doesn't it?

The Thursday we were supposed to arrange our tables and seatings, as I was walking out of my current class, talking to Jen. It came to mind, that that was the last day we'd be spending in our class. Our class, all the memories. It felt so.. fast, too fast.

I can clearly remember how I felt when I found out I was to be separated with Mel and Elina and Carmen, wondering how I was ever going to make it through the year and being thankful that Isaac was with me, at least.

I can remember the first day of school. When we all were really awkward, not knowing what to expect from 2012. Not knowing what to do, since everything is so foreign, as the 1997 batch rose up to the morning session. Whole new teachers, new timing, new everything. I remember going to class the first time and Jing Yee asking me to book a space for her and a girl named Jia Wen, now she turns out to be one of my closest friends.

This class, was the class I've been in for 2 years, all the memories. I still remember the Stereo Bananas, how we were the rebels of the class playing our random games, how they stood up for me as I got bullied and called really harsh names. Or this year, how we spent a really long time painting the class and failing the first time being the wrong color, how we made up the chinese version of Taylor Swift's song, how we sang so hyper-ly, or how we told sick horny stories. 


It just feels so.. fast. I just don't want this to end. I don't want to leave this class, this group of friends, the class we study in. Everything is just too dear to me, no I don't want to leave. 

I don't want this to end, but in like 2 more weeks, the 2012 semester will end, and in 4 months I'll be 16. 

'All good things come to an end, don't they?'

#4 My heart will wait.

Alex was pretty sure he got over Nicole, and he is glad that everything is better now. But wel, even so, he'd been talking to Natasha a lot, and they started Skyping and calling each other which really did, well put a smile on his face. Like you could never imagine the way he smiled when she talked to him.

He still somehow felt like he was falling for her. A lot. The way they were so lame with each other playing made-up games, and the way they'll sing to each other on the phone, and the way the were there for each other when they needed someone, and how cute her laugh is. How they made plans for each other after finals which will determine their freshman year. How they wanted to study together. How much talking to her or just a simple 'hi' made him so happy. He really did like her.

He really really did want to tell her, like badly as everyday of not telling felt like a thousand years. Well, you know the drill. He decided to tell her. He stuck with writing a really really long and meaningless letter, which is what he's best at. He showed Nicole, Haley, Carmen, Elina, and Melanie what he wrote and you know what? Almost all of them responded with a huge 'AWWWW'. Which is, a good thing right? Ahah. it felt different from how he tried telling the others he ever did have feelings for. He felt, attached, like they knew each other, forever. He wrote what he really felt, like what he wanted to be to her, what he really meant to her, what was inside.

The only thing that was in the way, exams. Such killers. Gosh again, the fact that everything is all clashed and studies and yadda yadda, it just... sucks. But that gave him a good reason to wait, to focus on something else and block out all the other distractions as this exam was make it or break it.

This gave him a good reason to talk to her more, and guess what? He lost his first ever date, to her. Well, if you consider a study date as a date but yeah, he did feel happy, over the moon. They had been planning to tutor each other for quite awhile but her parents didn't let her out, so after convincing them a long time, they said yes to it!

As school was near ending, his heartbeat paced faster and faster and he was shaking, in a good way, so much so that Nicole had to calm him down and distract him a little. He really couldn't wait to see her, to talk to her, to study be with her.

The bell rang and Nicole and Haley both wished him the best of luck and he waited for Mel and Elina to leave first, and he waited where they planned to meet each other. After awhile, no signs of her were to be seen and he thought that she stood him up. He went back in school and thought maybe he'd see her in the canteen or something, and after two rounds he still didn't see her and the thought of her ditching him really really seemed true. He went back to the gate and well, there she was. Looking pretty as ever.

They started walking and headed to the canteen for lunch. They talked on the way about stuff that normal don't talk about. Hahaha. They laughed a lot, well, she laughed a lot at him for stabbing the chicken. It wasn't his fault okay, he couldn't cut it properly. xD

Then they headed to the double-R where they did study. She thought him a lot about the Science chapters he didn't understand, about how a big lumen in the arteries can cause a heart attack and small lumen = good! (those were his notes)

He taught her Geography where she was pretty weak in that subject. He went really lame and substituted all the minerals of the country to her celebrity boyfriends' names and she was like 'Josh is everywhere' 'NO WHY IS HE SO FAR AWAY FROM ME' They were that lame. He also used both of them as an example for the layers on the forest and she was all 'eww I have frogs on me' Haha

Natasha was right, people WILL faint if they were in the same room with the both of them.

Someone was asking whether the phone on the table was hers, but she pointed the field and said it was her grandmothers'. She called Ironman, Lelaki Besi, the direct Malay translation. He called her super tight compass the Hulk compass. They both gave weird stares to the people who passed them by. He kept dancing to the weird music the other table was playing, that was the funniest. Their faces when a girl was talking to them and they got so lost and just stared at each other and tried not to laugh but at the end he was all 'whaaa?' and started laughing.

It was a windy day that day, and her hair was flying all over the place and he was so tempted to run his fingers to her hair, put the loose strands behind her ear.. or something. (like the movies, you know?)

She really did make him smile, and gosh her laugh was the cutest thing he'd ever heard.

Yes, he was indeed falling for her, and he's definitely telling her soon, and he'll be counting down the days till when the last day of the exams is here, and he'll tell her. But right now, he'll wait, his heart is gonna wait for her, always.

27 more days.

So I'm back again, well blame trials and PMR and my piano exam and well, myself for the lack of motivation for not blogging. Sorry all, if there's even anyone who reads this.

Lately well, I am stressing out. Really, I don't have the motivation to study and I don't have the brains to be like my brother who is so chilled about his major exam when I'm panicking so badly. I so regret ever being a so called, 'bad student' not paying attention ever. I guess this is karma. :(

 I think I am planning to tell her right after my major exams. Which is, pretty much a huge decision but gosh it's killing me inside for every single day of me not being able tell her my feelings and what if she walks away and it'll reach just leave me... empty. I mean, she is everything special I could ever think of, and when we talk, even if it's just us like, texting or something. You can never imagine the smile on my face and gosh her laugh is just too cute.

I guess I'm falling for her eh.

Anyways, I doubt that I'll be blogging much soon, must study. 27 more days. Oh so exciting.

Will continue the Life Of Alex Morrison soon. :)

PRAY FOR MY EXAMS!

Oh and it's 11th September today, a really well, sad day. 11 years ago, many lost their lives, many lost their families, many lost their loved ones. When I think about this, it reminds me of my aunt. She lives in New York and I remember seeing the World Trade Center falling on the news and though I wasn't really sure what was happening then, it did freak me out. So yeah, take some time to pray.

Dear God, we pray for the families who lost loved ones on 9-11-2001. Continue to comfort them and guide them in Jesus’ name we pray Amen.

         -Spiritualism, Tumblr.

She's beautiful, it's true.

To you, somewhere out there, if you're reading this, hopefully.

Never say you're not good enough. You are pretty, talented, kind, friendly, you are always there for me when I need someone and I am really glad. You are beautiful, okay, but you don't realize it. You're definitely someone worth appreciating. You're you.

It hurts to see you so insecure at times. You tell me you're not pretty enough, or that you're not your ideal weight. Just ignore all these things people say and don't let them get into you.

You really are special. I mean, you make singing look really good and when you play the guitar, it's definitely fanguy worthy. Haha.

And I'm sorry if I didn't help you much sometimes when you're down or troubled. I can really suck sometimes. But I am here for you, no matter what.

And I do pray for you often. Like for Him to be with you when you feel like the world has crashed in, and you would turn to Him too.

And lastly, remember, hope. I know you think you've lost it, but no. There is hope in the littlest things in life, and it really is a beautiful sight. Watch the subset, now that's a great example.

So yeah, I really really want everything to be okay for you, and that you do end up getting what you really deserve, to be happy.

:)

And I vow to at least make an effort to put a smile on your face.

Distractions.

So last week during youth, Paulynn shared about how materialistic people can be, and how they put those things first and not God. I really liked that sharing, somehow.

First, she showed us some pictures in her iPad. So there was this 17 year-old guy from China. He sold his kidney for USD 2200 for an iPad. Just an iPad, an he let the doctors take it out. Crazy.

Then there was this guy from the U.S. he worked in some financial company and was involved in a fraud case. He cheated his company and now he made the company lose at least 2 billion USD. All because he wanted to gamble.

Then there was this woman. She looks flawless, but guess what? She is 55, years old and she had to go through 52 plastic surgeries in order to achieve how Barbie-fied she is now.

The things people do to get stuff, really some are just plain ridiculous. Like, for an electronical gadget, or money, or look eternally youthful.

She tells us about how sirens are like. Sirens, they are practically like mermaids of the sea, in Greek mythology. As the sailors pass bye all they will hear is the sound of their beautiful voices, what's deceiving is that they only sing what they want you to hear. The sailors get too captivated and start sailing towards them instead and guess what? They attack the sailor and eat them up.

Like these gorgeous mermaidy creatures. They're sirens actually.

  

But there was this one guy, Jason. He was this noble Greek warrior, son of the King Aelous. He wanted to hear what the sirens could tell, as according to myth, if you manage to survive and not succumb to their calls, it makes you stronger, and wiser.

He put wax into his ears, and tied himself on a ship's pole so that the voices may not get into him, and he ordered his crew to put wax too. Even though how hard it may have been, he managed to do it, and it did make him stronger.

I'm not saying that we should al put wax into our ears and listen to evil-mermaid creatures sing. I'm just saying that we should not be too distracted by all these riches and materials, and put God first in our eyes.

She shared also how much she wants to go to business school and she doesn't want to work her current job at the financial sector. She has been applying and well, it has been hard for her, to sell herself as she is and not what people wanted her to be. Her friend helped her with her résumés and she really couldn't believe it. Most of what was written didn't even describe who she is, and she didn't like it. She was like: 'I really can't do this, this is not me. At all' She asked her friend and he told her how it wouldn't harm to just do it once, and after that he can just walk down the streets and just be her for the rest of her life. She really has been praying, a lot, and well please add her in your prayers? Pray for her to make the right decisions and for her not to succumb to all these bad things that she has to sneak her way in to be accepted.

I really liked that lesson. :)

Anyways, my piano exam is next week. Oh the joy. My scales and pieces are still pretty rough and I don't have the motivation to practice! Pray for me too yeah?

Okay then I shall try writing more, as my level is still pretty low. :(

The Life of Alex Morrison shall continue soon. :)

#3, Runaway train.

Alex wasn't sure whether he was still feeling the way he was for Nicole anymore. It just, felt so distant, so foreign now. He wasn't sure what he was to her. He pretty much lost his feeling, you could say. Although she talked to him again, without explaining what really happened. He still felt so far away, all he wanted to be her friend again.

Nicole had once told him her secret, of liking someone else. Lance Crawford was the name. He was the school athlete, and girls will go all crazy over him.

There was this once, as he was walking home, he had to take the train. With his iPod in hand, he bought some food from the stalls right outside the station. As he was walking, there she was. Waiting for the train's arrival, looking pretty as ever. That caught him by surprise, he never expected her to walk home. His heart was.. beating hard. Anyone who saw his face probably saw him all flushed, all red and walk away from him.

But then he saw her with him, The Lance Crawford walking along by her side. His heart dropped. Like, his heart was made of glass and a hammer just came crashing down anyway. He somehow felt more drained, more embarrassed. Like, what of they saw him or something. As they were entering the train, he debated whether to go through the same door. He then finally made a decision to just go through the next door. What, the queue was long anyway.

He didn't want to disturb them, so in the train, he kept a safe distance from them. They were sitting, while he was standing at the door, eagerly waiting the the train to pull over to the next station already. Funny thing was, as he saw them, he felt so crushed that he changed the song he was listening to to a sad one. Hah.

He looked over at them. They were talking, laughing and all. The worst part, she looked really happy. Like, her smile, it wasn't any kind of happiness he's ever seen with her, she really was... happy.

That crushed him a little, but he realized, he should let her go. Things WILL get better that way, and if loving someone means having their happiness as a priority then so be it. He didn't want to love her anymore, he just.. wanted to feel the same way they were a few months back- happy. He wanted the both of them to get back the closure they had. He realized, that he let his feelings get in the way and well, that started everything. He had to let go.

He felt like a kid, who just let the wind blow his kite away, just really well, down.

He remembered what Melanie had told him before. 'If you love someone, let them go. If they don't come back to you, then it's not meant to be. If they do, then well, that's what they call love.'

He didn't want to think of this anymore. Well, he just left this whole Nicole situation behind and approached her as a friend with baby steps.

He definitely could feel better with Natasha right?

#2, The birthday flower.

One month had never felt so long for Alex. It made him feel worse knowing that Nicole would still hold that grudge after that long. It really bothered him. Sometimes, he'll be so tempted to even say a simple 'hi' to her, or maybe tell her she's pretty. But no, not even a single glance from her, not even a smile.

He'd still had been talking with the happy-go-lucky Hailey, but he'd also been talking and sharing his feelings with Natasha Rose, who's also from the same school but he just met her this year, through Twitter. He's had a little crush on her, while they were still Juniors, because she was like, the prettiest girl in his whole form, what kind of guy hasn't liked her before? 

They have been talking pretty frequently, so much so that it was almost similar to the friendship he had with Nicole, yet the friendship was different. She had always been there for him, despite the risk of him crossing the line, and he'd always helped her when she felt like falling apart. They both shared the same dreams, of entering the music business, and also made plans for covers to take place. They were both fans of the same shows and similarly mentally dated more than one celebrities. It was almost as if they had met for a reason, but yet, his heart still chose Nicole over Natasha. 

He wondered whether he'd had feelings for Natasha, although they've only known each other for such a brief period. Sometimes, he really did think so, he really did think Natasha treated him better than Nicole, but he really did think Nicole was his heart's worth.

//

Alex's mom, Pat, worked as a fashion/ beauty writer for the local newspaper, and she was assigned to cover an event held in a theme/ water park. What Alex heard was, a day out for the family, in a theme park, oh the joy! He thought to himself, 'maybe I could relax a little, get some stuff off my mind or something'  

Well, it did manage to cool off, and let loose. It felt great. He expected himself to be thinking of Nicole throughout, but no, he didn't. Which relieved him a little. Until he sat on the first ride, the roller-coaster ride, and in a snap of a finger, thought about Natasha, how he'd hold her hand as the roller-coaster goes up the hill, telling her everything will be alright and later screaming their heads off as if goes down and accelerates. 

That kind of caught him off guard, he never expected to be thinking of Natasha. What had his heart been trying to tell him? 

The roller-coaster wasn't the only incident. As he passed by the Scream Park, a.k.a the Haunted House/ Labyrinth, he pictured themselves freaking out, as the 'ghosts' came out and scared them, and somehow, knowing she's such a camwhore, later taking pictures with those frightening creatures. He'd try acting brave for her, but instead, he'd be screaming like a five year old girl afraid of what's underneath her bed. 

Or, the Pirate Ship, where she totally would freak out. As it turns 360 degrees, she'll try to scream, but gravity will hold her mouth back and catch that scream, and she'll be holding his hand real tight, closing her eyes, being cute trying to keep calm throughout the ride.

Or, in the water park, how they'd race to the Water Slides, and I'll carry the tube while she'll run up, and we'll freak out as the tube gets stuck halfway in the slide, and I'll keep pushing and we'll finally reach the water and we'll go upside down and laugh.

Or the Congo Challenge, where they have to compete against each other to slide down, on a little surfboard thingy. She'll be like 'oh, its on' and be the cute one she always is. As he wins the challenge, she'll be bummed but they'll keep going on till the park closes.

Yeah, he'd been thinking of Natasha, a lot. He felt extra confused, almost as if his whole world turned upside down. 

'More to think about, greeeeaat,' he thought, 'just great. Sigh, Nicole or Natasha?' 

#1, What was never said.

Alex Morrison, well he was just like any other ordinary guy, living in a mediocre life. Socially awkward, but still has friends who stick with him though his tough times. Elena Mellark, Melanie Rae, Isaak Gabriel, Carmen Styles, Alicia Leigh, well they mean a lot to him. 

Everything was all the same, till he met Nicole Chase, when they got enrolled in the same class this year. It just seemed, so natural, as if he'd known her forever, and eventually they became friends, really close friends. It was just about time when he started falling for her, deeply. But yet, he couldn't tell her, because he never would want to ruin their friendship, he wouldn't want to ruin what they had. By then, they had known each other's secrets, each others dreams, accepted each other's flaws, compared their celebrity other halves with each other. They had like the most cheesy friendship anyone could ever ask for.

Well nothing stays perfect forever.

He'd always, well maybe not always, had this habit of going too far in their conversations, he tends to cross the line, a lot. That annoyed Nicole, annoyed her a lot. After awhile, she really couldn't handle it, and just gave Alex the 'silent treatment', as they call it. Well, at first, he didn't know what happened, and he just felt confused, and kept apologizing, for whatever he may have done. Words couldn't describe how he felt that day, knowing that his best friend, who he's fallen for, avoided him for some unknown reason.

That has lasted for a month now.

He's felt as if his whole world fell apart, and that affected him. He's been going talking to Elena, who's probably known all his secrets, and also Hailey Lockheart, well, their talk really enlightened him.

Text from Hailey:
 'Maybe its not the right time and season to pursue her now. The right time will come, don't worry. Right now, focus on your studies, Miss SAT's coming. You deserve better than this Alex, you deserve to be happy! :) '

That gave him a whole lot more to think about, well it does make him die inside when she gives him the no-don't-talk-to-me look, yet she talks to someone else all smiles. It did kind of bother him that he's all choked up and she's okay. Yeah, he did deserve better than this, he deserved happiness, and if she's the one taking it away, then maybe she's not the right one. However, there's always a but, isn't there?

'But, she's my best friend. She's the one giving me butterflies whenever I see her. She's never made me feel this way. I'm only me when I'm with her. I'm never been like this with any other girl...'

As he deliberated, well let's just say the pros dominated cons, and heh, he continued pursuing her anyway, not that he wanted to, but that it hurt him not to.

tbc.

In another life.

You know, I've always wondered what life will be like if I made like, a different decision, or met different people. I mean would I fall for someone else instead, would I end up where I am now? #random thoughts

Maybe I'd be different, maybe in a sense that, I'd have a better attitude, instead of always being the introvert or the pessimist I am today. (Okay not so, but you get what I mean)

Maybe I'd be a Caucasian, living in Europe, in a middle class family, going to school and actually enjoying it, be the popular guy and the life of the party. Well, no way. Or maybe I'd be a famous Youtube celebrity/ cover artist (which secretly is one of my dreams). Or maybe I'd be living in a high rise city like New York, always on the rush. Or like how the song goes, 'In another life, you would be my girl.'

I've realized that none of these can happen, cus well, God chose me to be in this life, for a purpose. God gave me a family, a loving family, which some don't even get. He gave me friends, that stick with me even when I screw up and do stupid stuff and are always there no matter what. He gives me a home, a very comfortable home. He gives me all the blessings, that a lot don't have. Sometimes, I'm not even aware of how blessed I am, and always taking what I have for granted. You know I tend to get all so 'in love' or something once I fall for someone. Yet,  cupid never comes back to me.  All three times I've fallen for a girl, who somehow EVERY time is my best friend, something goes wrong, and now I've learnt a pretty big lesson. I've learn that being the lovey wovey one, it just does something to myself, and somehow it gives the impression that I'm 'desperate for love' and it pushes people away. and yeah I've learnt that the hard way, almost losing a friend and all. He teaches me lessons that  sometimes I don't even know He is, when everything is down.

Just yesterday, I've been comforting a friend of mine, who feels as if her friend had replaced her, and the song just popped up.

'For greater thing have yet to come, greater things are still to be done' 

I mean, I remember singing it during worship in CF and it has never really stayed in my mind. But now, it relates a lot to what I'm going through. From struggling with friendship issues, or my parents being disappointed with my studies. I realize there are far more things yet to happen, better things, better achievements.

You know there's this belief that says you are at least linked to 7 people in the world or something. So I was thinking, (and I've done a pretty good theory here) *clears throat* So my mom was interviewing Nate Berkus (the decor guy who every now and then appears on Oprah, and has his own TV show) , and he's friends with Oprah, and the Glee cast has been on Oprah, and by Glee cast I mean Heather Morris. Yay! HAHAHA makes no sense.

Well, yes, I'm fully aware that trials are in two weeks, and I'm aware that I should be studying. This is my effort to improve my English, thank you very much, and I realized that my English level is still pretty low after taking the New South Wales exam. -So going to score!- :( So, lately I've been jotting down unfamiliar words from the series, Fallen, which a good friend lent me, and I've still haven't finished it cause she doesn't have the full series, so I'm planning to camp out in the nearest bookstore and read it. Back to the point, that book is really good, I like how Passion brings me through an adventure through time, all around the world, and man that book has a lot of unknown words even my parents don't know. So, yes, I consider that studying. :)

And that's where I learnt the word, presumptuous, a.k.a Jen's P-word. Which pretty much suits how I am, I am, always assuming things are about me, always assuming that I made someone mad, always assuming that I'm the one they're talking about, always assuming, a lot. Bucket list for the next 6/7 months, get rid of that attitude of always saying sorry when its not even my fault, and later ruining friendships cus it gets pretty annoying and all.

Yes, I'm aware of that, and I'm trying my best to fix it. Progress, not perfection.

I don't know what I wrote, I just blurted out what was on my mind. Hah.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and all the things that you do.
-- Yellow, Coldplay

And I shall end this post, which somehow doesn't make a lot of sense, with a quote.

'Life isn't about surviving the storm, its about learning to dance in the rain'
-- Taylor Swift.