There's this girl, you've probably heard about her before, well, she's the one thing that so special. She's beautiful, she's smart, she's talented, she's funny, she's adorable, she's dorky and weird -in a good way, kind of like me-, she is what I imagine when I read, when I watch something, I'll imagine her playing the lead.
Most of the time, I think I actually have a shot, to be with her, to be hers, I guess. I want to be the guy who makes her happy and all, she knows that. It's just, I don't know why, I'm so insecure. Like, what if I'm not good enough and she'll just walk away, or if she just thinks I'm too clingy and doesn't like my attitude like the last time I had feelings for someone. I'm too emotional, apparently.
She's afraid I'd walk away while she's away, but I promised her I never will. Never. I don't just give up like that, I mean, I didn't even get an answer, and it's like when she said that I kind of reflected on myself. I noticed, every single time I'd have feelings for a girl, they start to walk away, and we'd drift apart after they find out I like them. Take my first ever relationship, well I don't think it was a relationship, I was too young, immature, she just told me to well, break up after a month. It makes sense now, that I was kind of a crappy whatever-you-call-it, boyfriend. I never did call her or tell her I loved her in person, or held her hand. I regret that.
This time it's different, she hasn't walked away, now that she knows. She's actually is considering it, I guess. It's like, sometimes I wonder what she actually thinks of me, again comes the insecure part. Somehow she's different than all the other girls, I've never like sent super long cheesy good morning texts before, or called someone for more than an hour talking crap, or late night webcam sessions, we're not even together. And it's like when I'm with her, the whole world could pass me by, it's just her that matters. I've never told someone I love them in person, or telling a girl through a letter by giving it to her face-to-face, I've never done that, but it seems like for her, everything was worth it.
Gosh sometimes I feel like I'm nothing to her, like she just talks to me, cus I start the conversation and when she's feeling down, sometimes I can't help but feel useless when I try my hardest but it doesn't work. Or sometimes it feels like I'm being pushed away and I'll just be there like '..okay' and feel neglected. It just sucks to feel that way.
I just want her to be happy, you know?
Truth is, nothing is perfect. If I want some perfect thingy then maybe I should just watch more movies. Dreams, are reachable if you want it, if its an ambition or even a special someone. I've learnt to fight for the person I love. To wait even if its like till the time everything falls apart. To be there for her whenever and always. To tell her she's beautiful when she's insecure and that I love the little flaws she dislikes, cus I love everything she doesn't like abut herself. I think she is special, beautiful, amazing, and well, imagine your happiest day, and then imagine being with your best friend, and then look at the sunset and get awestruck, and you'll have that little smile on your face? That's exactly how she makes me feel.
it is scary isn't it? Being in love with someone and not knowing what they think about you. But the most beautiful thing is seeing the one you love smiling and knowing you're the reason behind that smile. I strive for that.
I guess five years ago I wouldn't have guess that I'll be doing things the way I do now, my feelings, well everything has changed.
Well right now, let's just say that it sucks having messed up feelings.
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| Sometimes this is exactly how I feel. |
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