'Smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years'

It's been awhile since I last posted, maybe it was due to the nahidontfeellikeblogging feeling and the endless challenges I've had to face.


So lately, a lot of things have happened. Everything is all messed up and gosh I just want everything to be the same again. Been really tired lately because of all the walking to and fro to school and everywhere else and studies although I'm procrastinating like, to the highest level.

First things first, there's this friend of mine, we used to talk like, everyday. Few things happened and she got mad and somehow we managed to put that aside and not let anything ruin our friendship. She used to (or maybe still does) have an issue with my negative attitude. Well, I've been changing, or at least trying to. Progress, not perfection. But you know, there was this one time I lost part of her project, and she kind of made some indirect tweet saying how someone lacked responsibility and all. So instantly, it came to my mind that she was talking about me. I mean, I wasn't being negative, I just was making sure she wasn't mad at me and being a good friend and all. But no, more stuff happened. After awhile, apparently she thought that I misunderstood every tweet for myself. (That's what I think happened) or something, and started avoiding me. What sucked was that it was only that one time and she's thinking I've been doing it forever.


Plus, every time I join in with a friend's conversation while she's present, she'll just get up and walk away, or just not make a sound. When she was talking to another friend of ours and I came up to her and asked whether she still had her fruits for recess, she just quickly walked away. Being the presumptuous me, I'd go to bed thinking what I did wrong and gosh I think too much sometimes. It sucks that she'd be talking to some other guy all smiles and all and I'm just there dying inside.


I mean, everything is different now. I still remember when we acted all so immature and ruining our friend's conversations with our hyperness. I still remember when we went to the night market for an assignment and once everyone left I was so afraid she'd end up kidnapped alone being a girl walking alone (you know, society nowadays) being paranoid and all, I trusted her and let her walk alone and after awhile I couldn't do it and ran to where she was and walked with her, and Mel kept asking me to make my move. I still remember we made promises that might never even come till like three years. I remember we'd call each other according to our celebrity boyfriend/girlfriend after she was being hyper and kept on saying his name. I remember sending my first morning text to her. I know it seems like I like her, like, like like her. But you know, I've never done these with anyone else, and maybe I do but argh I don't know. Everything feels pretty messed up, especially my feelings. 

I'm not saying this as if I have feelings for her, but she meant a lot to me, as a friend. So yeah, I'm really sorry. Whatever I did, whatever I said, however I acted. Please, just talk to me again. Please, just let everything be the same again. I'm really really sorry. Please, just don't judge me by the stupid things I say, the negative attitude I have. Just let things be back to normal again. Ugh as if she'd be here reading this, as if she ever reads this. 


So please, forget everything, I know I've made a lot mistakes, and by that I mean a lot. Forgive me. Let everything be back to normal again, forget the past and move on. Please. I know that I may not have been the perfect friend with my attitude, and gosh I was stupid. I know you might not have been talking to me for the past two weeks, but I hope you're happy, whatever you're doing, I hope everything is better with you and him and yeah its like, I haven't talk to you in ages and its killing me. Okay I'm done. 

For The First Time, The Script

This week, I want to thank The Script for writing songs so heartbreaking and meaningful. Lately I've been listening to For The First Time, a lot. Maybe because well, the lyrics are like exactly what I'm going through, you know. Somehow their songs pull the heartstring so hard, and its like they know exactly what people go through and they are like the only bands who don't sing about sex and drinking and all. 

'And we don’t know how we got into this mess. Is it God's test. Someone help us ‘cause we’re doing our best. Trying to make it work, but man these times are hard'

Hoping that next week, will be a better week. Hope that everything will be better. Guess that I'll just have to hold on to my faith, yes its definitely God's test. Hold on to that little anchor of hope, maybe everything will be better. :)

*on the plus side, Jen and Isaac know everything. Pssh, I have written evidence for Jen and it was better than her interrogating me. :c a

'When things go wrong, we just go on' -- Pixie Lott

I had this dream a few nights ago, a freaking unreal dream, about me actually getting to be with her. Which is, pretty weird, cus I had never dreamt of her, EVER. Plus, I also woke up feeling a little heartsick nowing that no matter how much I'll try, I'll end up getting friendzoned anyway. But then I thought,  maybe, just maybe that it wouldn't hurt to try?

I can remember it clearly. We were in school and teacher (somehow my History tuition teacher ._.) gave us a series of projects/assignments, and she brought us around. Oh, and the best part is, in the dream the school was a mall! So first assignment, teacher brought us all to the bookstore, and she ordered us to pick a book and do a report on it. So I walked around the tiny little bookstore, but I couldn't find any interesting books (cus guess what, it was a children's bookstore) Then everyone started leaving the store and only a few people, her and her little gang, and myself were left in there. As I was about to give up on picking a book and just randomly getting one, she whispered to me (cus teacher was there) to just take her book. I can even clearly remember the title. (I won't reveal it cus if I do, she'll know cus she suggested me to read it and it was like one of the first things I talked to her about when I first met her) and she pulled me in so close, so close that her whisper was a kiss. A freaking kiss. And I could actually feel it. 

Then after that I kind of blurred out but I remember teacher asking us to gather in the store again and she gave us another assignment. You know in those biology lessons they'll ask you to rear an animal and you'll have to act as their parents or something, that was what she asked us to do. So, since we were already together from the first assignment we got paired up. (no complaining though) while teacher was explaining, we had our own little conversation going, about random stuff I unfortunately don't remember. Then the best part. When we were leaving the classroom-bookstore, something that'll happen mostly in those cliché romance movies where the guy falls for his girl best friend and he tells her but he get rejected and the girl tells him that its better for him to stay as friends but the girl realizes that she made a mistake and starts falling for him and she just holds his hand and tells him she regrets saying no and stuff like that. (I watch too much movies) Yeah, THAT happened. As we were walking out, she just took my hand and held it as we were walking side by side. You know in those movies they'll also have those lines like "What about us?",  haha I actually said that. I don't know what she replied but I didn't care, I just wanted to hold her hand and not let go, wanting that moment to last forever. Then.. I woke up to the sound of Ziling's call. Uuuugh. 

Waking up kind of sucked because 1, I know it will never happen. 2, even if I do tell her I'll get rejected cus she's fallen for some other guy she just went on a 'date' with. I mean, I'm glad she's happy, but I can't help but feel kind of down. I want to be happy too. 

Thinking back, a friend (whose had a past with her) took the advantage of her not coming few weeks ago and told me his feelings for her. He told me that she rejected his confession, but he said he'll wait, even if was the last thing he does. I felt so crappy that day, cus all I could do was listen, brokenheartedly, knowing I'll never be more than just a best friend to her. 

Nowadays, its so hard for me to just share my feelings to my friends, cus Mel, Ziling, Carmen and Ally are all in different classes, and Isaac, well I haven't told him cus she's pretty close to him too. So yeah,  Jen if you're reading this, I have decided to tell you, finally. *yay* 

So today I'm dedicating this post to Taylor Swift, thank you for writing songs that are so relatable and heartbreaking, thank you for your music that's always always on replay and always being there for me. Thank you, Taylor. You're my inspiration.

I have always wondered what it's like to have a Taylor Swift video love story.


 

Okay I better stop adding gifs otherwise this post is gonna be freaking laggish.

-Tumblr

-Who You Are,  Jessie J.

Inspiration.

And now I'm fully believing that its not just a crush.