#9 When you're gone.

Day 1

The day she was leaving, Alex couldn't bear the thought that somehow, there'll be a chance that he'll lose her, that she'll come back a different person, completely forgetting him. He really had to start getting used to not texting someone, not staying up late Skyping, she pretty much was the one who was on his mind the entire day. He took the advantage of the time left texting her, starting with his usual goodmorning text. As the day progressed, he really did realize, she, Natasha Rose IS leaving, yeah for 42 days but she will be gone, he won't be seeing her, it hit him, bad.

'Oh my gosh, I seriously can't believe that I'm leaving today, today! Can't wait!'

'.. Me too :( have fun okay, done packing?'

'Just a few more things and I'm done.'

'Well, I'd rather not disturb you then. Talk to you later, okay?' And he looked at his phone, he couldn't help but feel sad. 

As her flight approached, he already had this text saved in his phone, well he didn't know when her flight was so just in case. 

'Hey, stay safe okay? Have fun there, and eat loads of stuff on my behalf! Remember when I said I was gonna wait for you? I really am, okay? I promise. Gonna miss you, bye princess.'

'Haha I still have 2 hours before I board the plane, silly. Chill. xD I'll call you once I'm almost leaving okay?' 

'Oh, I didn't know, okay. xD Re-read that message once you're on the plane then, haha,' he realized his battery was dying, worst. timing. ever. 'I don't think you can thought, my battery's dying.'

'Aww :( okay weirdo. Amagas I'm so excited! The plane's leaving in 10 minutes! Bye :)'

'Noo :( hey re-read the text okay? I really am gonna wait for you, and call me on the plane, if there's signal! :) Gonna miss you.'

'There's never line on the plane, silly xD The doors and windows are shut tight, where on earth do I get signal? Hahaha. Bye :')'

'Oh I totally knew that.' Alex facepalmed himself. Silly me. 'Will be counting down the days till you come back. Bye.'

'Yay you :) okay, on the plane now, doors aren't closed yet, so I guess this will get through, gonna turn of my phone now, bye. Will talk to you online when I'm there, okay? :)'

Okay, he thought, Bye, as he put down his phone. He somehow had the thought of losing her lingering in the back of his mind for some reason.

Day 2

He woke up to a text, he knew it definitely couldn't have been her,  well it ruined his sleep so he better check it anyway, right?

The look of surprise on his face when he saw who it was from, was priceless. Natasha? Wait what?

'Hey you, don't reply this okay, it'll cost you loads. Anyway, I just reached here, and my back hurts, bad luck me.'

That, made his day, knowing that he was still well, unforgotten. Silly girl, didn't you know it'll cost you more? She was the cutest this way, it made him smile.

Day 5

He got a call from Mel, saying that Natasha went online and asked her to get him online. Whoah. Okay, knowing that she'll tell his friends to call him, kind of makes him happy for some weird reason.

Well, he went on Skype, without hesitating, knowing the fact that his mom will probably kill him if she found out. He didn't care anyway, he missed Natasha a lot, to see her face again, will be the best thing that could happen.

As they talked, she explained how different Australia is from Malaysia, and how things are around there. She still looks flawless, he thought. She showed him the kitchen of the house she was staying in, and tempted him with more food. He missed this.

Day 10

They've been talking everyday, small talks and all. Tonight, she asked him to come on Skype, while he was watching a movie. Worst timing. 

'I can't, I'm watching a movie, but I'll come on later?'

'Nah, it's okay.'

He really felt like he should, well his movie was ending anyway. 'You totally forgot how I do the exact opposite of what you tell me not to right?'

'Seriously, it's okay.'

He went on anyway, and he didn't regret it a single bit. He found out that since he told her he couldn't, she'd be talking to another friend instead. He started to feel a teensy weensy bit jealous, oh no, it's just a friend, come on, Alex! You're not even together. 

'Hey, I came on anyway. :)'

'Hahaha hii :)'

That was probably one of the best calls he's made, he'd never smiled so much. He missed being all weird and lame around her, although it was just through a computer screen. She started talking about her shows and explaining the parts of it that he never understood, it was way better than the last time where she spoiled the first three episodes of Glee before he could even watch them.

And then she started going all Brooklyn and was like 'oh no she di-dn't' at her show and doing the three Z formation snapping thingy, and laughing at him cus he couldn't shake his head right.

Whenever the Skype had little glitches and all, it was cute that they called it the Skype monster. Right at that very moment well, the monster invaded and he hanged. She started laughing, and he knew something was up, that was until he heard camera shot sounds and realized she was screenshotting him. Oh no. 

She started showing him the little album she has, of him. His face hanged at really.. weird expressions, pictures of him when he fell asleep on the call, some of him being a camwhore. Most of them, weren't pretty. She was definitely plotting something.

He started challenging her to a see who can take more embarrassing screenshots of each other. 'Bring it on.' he said, and he realized he was losing so bad. She could make a whole album out of his pictures, while he barely had ten to start with. He remembered the time, she started acting like a beauty queen doing the wave, *snap*; and the time she fell asleep, *snap*; and somehow she'd forgotten that he'd threaten to post the pictures and started freaking out watching her show, and her face was... priceless. *snap, snap, snap*

That was till it was like midnight where he was and he had to go. He'd somehow always wait for her to hear that, and she'll say goodbye, and smile back, waving. He really liked her smile. Well, he did not regret that at all.

And the screen was black again, and she logged out.

I miss you, he said under his breath.

I promise to be your fairytale.

I don't know about you but sometimes I fantasize, a lot. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I am the time of guy who believes in cliche happy endings and well she's the girl I imagine being with, the little thoughts I'd have before I sleep, I'd think of the perfect first date, or when I just finished a show or a really really good book, I'll imagine her being the lead and thinking I want that little Nicholas Sparks story.

Lately I've really started to enjoy books (I don't know why but books to little kid Ryan was like giving a child his medicine) I've really come to appreciate what the stories tell and keep this a secret, but I'm a sucker for love stories. (I just posted it on the internet, not so much of a secret after all huh?) Like, some of them just tug my heartstrings so bad they make me all warm and fuzzy inside and get me thinking what if I had something like that with her. I'm not that kind of guy who gives up easily, I mean my feelings don't just 'go away' like poof. I really despise guys who treat girls as if they mean nothing even thought they are their girlfriends and all, and through books, I strive to be the kind of guy you'd read about, though the guys are usually good-looking and all, I don't have that, but I still am that cheesy little nice guy, who wants to be the type of guy you'd hear Taylor Swift finally writing that happy-ever-after song about.

"It’s not necessary. My nightmares are usually about losing you,” he says. “I’m okay once I realize you’re here."

I want to be the Peeta to her Katniss, how they had to protect each other knowing that their survival meant each other's happiness. I'll be her Peeta, feeling okay knowing that she's here. How scared I would be if I ever lost her.

'The world can pass by without me, without us. Just as long as we stay here, together, in each other's arms.'

And the John Smith (number 4) to her Sarah Hart. Knowing that he'll risk everything to keep her safe even though he had to run as he was being hunted down. He'd go back for even when it's the most dangerous thing to do, and she is constantly on his mind missing her. How beautiful it'll feel to have her in my arms.

Percy threw his arms around her. They kissed, and for a moment nothing else mattered. An asteroid  could have hit the planet and wiped out all life, and Annabeth wouldn't have cared.

The Percy to Annabeth. How she was the only thing he could remember even though his memory was totally wiped out and was forced to run away from all the attacks that might have come. How the vague memory of her was the one thing that kept him going and when he finally found her he never wanted to lose her ever again. The relationship with the teasing, inside jokes, super lame nicknames.

'It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.'

The Charlie to her Sam, how he waited for her, and her happiness meant his own, and that even though he had a chance with her he respected her and all he wanted was her happiness as a priority.

Her favorite, the Landon to her Jamie. How he'd never expect to ever fall in love in her, yet knowing how demure she is, she could still be so stunningly beautiful. How she was his miracle.

And well not just books you  know? Shows, movies, gosh they just somehow mess with my feelings, I never cry watching a movie, in fact I've never cried watching anything, no matter how sad it is. Back to the point, they make me go to bed all warm and fuzzy inside making me picture more and more unrealistic scenarios, hey a guy can dream right?

  

Brittany: 'You're the only one who understands me so well.'

Sam: 'Maybe it's cus we're both blonde.'

Like, I'd be her Sam to Brittany. How he was there for her even though they're not together while she was going through a really rough break-up. How they understand each other and only getting each other's blonde intelligence. How cute they are (if they end up together), how they put smiles on people's faces, being one of the funnier and one-liner worthy ones.

 

I promise to be her Damon to Elena. How he knows that she belongs with someone else but still loves her unconditionally. And Stefan to Elena, how the one thing keeping him from completely switching off his humanity was her. And Tyler to Caroline, how he was willing to change for her safety. I'll be like him, and always be there when you need someone, and Klaus to Caroline, being the sweet romantic one.


Her Scott to Alison, who never stopped loving her even though it meant endangering himself, and how they managed to pull through despite everything.

  

Truth is, I can never be all of these guys at once, but I'll definitely try, or at least wait, 'cause it's worth it, you're worth it. You's special and well, I want her to really believe that she is. I'll promise to be like them, to hold you close, to tell you that you're beautiful, to be able to go to the mall or something and be proud to have you to be mine, to be the one having cheesy nicknames and tease each other, to always be there for you, to make you happy. I've had this little fantasy of this perfect date and I'll bring you to my favorite spot in the bookshop, the place overlooking a park and has a clear view of the sky, where you'd have your head on my shoulder with my hoodie on you, we'll read together, as the sun sets and I'll put my arm around you, as we spoil each other's stories, and I'll tell you that you're beautiful, like the sky.

I promise to be your Peeta, your John, your Landon, your Charlie, your Sam, your Stefan, your Damon, your Tyler, your Klaus, your Scott. Yours. 

Everything has changed.

This might not make sense but, hello blog.

There's this girl, you've probably heard about her before, well, she's the one thing that so special. She's beautiful, she's smart, she's talented, she's funny, she's adorable, she's dorky and weird -in a good way, kind of like me-, she is what I imagine when I read, when I watch something, I'll imagine her playing the lead.

Most of the time, I think I actually have a shot, to be with her, to be hers, I guess. I want to be the guy who makes her happy and all, she knows that. It's just, I don't know why, I'm so insecure. Like, what if I'm not good enough and she'll just walk away, or if she just thinks I'm too clingy and doesn't like my attitude like the last time I had feelings for someone. I'm too emotional, apparently.

She's afraid I'd walk away while she's away, but I promised her I never will. Never. I don't just give up like that, I mean, I didn't even get an answer, and it's like when she said that I kind of reflected on myself. I noticed, every single time I'd have feelings for a girl, they start to walk away, and we'd drift apart after they find out I like them. Take my first ever relationship, well I don't think it was a relationship, I was too young, immature, she just told me to well, break up after a month. It makes sense now, that I was kind of a crappy whatever-you-call-it, boyfriend. I never did call her or tell her I loved her in person, or held her hand. I regret that.

This time it's different, she hasn't walked away, now that she knows. She's actually is considering it, I guess. It's like, sometimes I wonder what she actually thinks of me, again comes the insecure part. Somehow she's different than all the other girls, I've never like sent super long cheesy good morning texts before, or called someone for more than an hour talking crap, or late night webcam sessions, we're not even together. And it's like when I'm with her, the whole world could pass me by, it's just her that matters. I've never told someone I love them in person, or telling a girl through a letter by giving it to her face-to-face, I've never done that, but it seems like for her, everything was worth it.

Gosh sometimes I feel like I'm nothing to her, like she just talks to me,  cus I start the conversation and when she's feeling down, sometimes I can't help but feel useless when I try my hardest but it doesn't work. Or sometimes it feels like I'm being pushed away and I'll just be there like '..okay' and feel neglected. It just sucks to feel that way.

I just want her to be happy, you know?

Sometimes I just don't think I'm good enough for that. It kinda sucks.

Truth is, nothing is perfect. If I want some perfect thingy then maybe I should just watch more movies. Dreams, are reachable if you want it, if its an ambition or even a special someone. I've learnt to fight for the person I love. To wait even if its like till the time everything falls apart. To be there for her whenever and always. To tell her she's beautiful when she's insecure and that I love the little flaws she dislikes, cus I love everything she doesn't like abut herself. I think she is special, beautiful, amazing, and well, imagine your happiest day, and then imagine being with your best friend, and then look at the sunset and get awestruck, and you'll have that little smile on your face? That's exactly how she makes me feel.

it is scary isn't it? Being in love with someone and not knowing what they think about you. But the most beautiful thing is seeing the one you love smiling and knowing you're the reason behind that smile. I strive for that.

I guess five years ago I wouldn't have guess that I'll be doing things the way I do now, my feelings, well everything has changed.

Well right now, let's just say that it sucks having messed up feelings.

Sometimes this is exactly how I feel. 

Day 11 out of 42.

#BeforeIDie I would want to travel the world with that one person. 

 

In a blink of an eye, the whole school semester of 2012 has ended. It feels too fast, no?

I have like a million and one things planned, and I really hope they don't all go down the drain like last year. Okay, shall list out what I'll do. *woots*

1. I have to clean my room so bad.  -This kinda failed, 'cus I planned to do this right after PMR ended but Twitter and all started pulling me away. (don't blame me okay, holidays have already started, and at least I have a reason to laze around now) Putting up my photos and clearing my bookshelf was a good start.
2. Catch up with my shows. - Vampire Diaries, Teen Wolf, Glee, Switched At Birth, American Horror Story etc. (and also spend some quality time with my celebrity girlfriends too) don't judge me, how else will I see Heather Morris, Dianna Agron, Chrystal Reed and Candace Accola, huh? - and I have TVD loading while I'm blogging right now so, yay me for multitasking!
3. I'll be traveling at the end of the month, to Cambodia! It's not a mission trip, if you're asking but, I think we might meet up with a church member who's doing missions there and I have no idea what'll happen. A friend once told me that it's a really beautiful place, and I guess I'll ask dad for more photography lessons there. 
4. VBS. I mean, little kids, and teaching them about God. How awesome is that? As this year's theme is 'Amazing Wonders Aviation' well, it's all around the world. Cooooool. I've already started with the preparations and all, so yeah, excited! 
5. Youth camp. - I'm not sure whether I'm going, but I really want to!
6. Caroling - I joined caroling last year, and it was really cool, we sang in The Curve and Tropicana and honestly, it was terrifying. I have never performed in a mall, (actually I have, but not a major mall) and it was really fun though the door got stuck in The Curve and we had to stand there with our butts facing the audience so when we finished so we just stood there. Awkward. *Renee, if you're reading this, YOU BETTER COME. 
7. Outings, well, we've started planning outings already, but I really really really hope it doesn't fail like last year. I need to catch up with my primary school mates man, especially Xin Yueh and Annie and all, I miss them a lot. 
8. Well, I wanted to work to get more cash but lazing around seems more fun right?
9. And of course, Christmas!

I mean, who doesn't love Christmas? It's basically my favorite of the year, the mood is so different, and like when you step into malls you'll hear Christmas carols playing in the shops, and all the decorations, and all the gifts, and the trees. Oh and don't forget that it's the time we celebrate Jesus' birth! I just love Christmas. Can't wait. (and I have already promised to be your Christmas date whether you like it or not, haha) -youknowwhoyouare

She's gone, and that sucks. But I'm glad she's enjoying herself and that she's happy. I miss her, a lot, though. Well, it's basically the last post so yeah. I miss the way she talks so weirdly when she has her retainers on and the way she calls me tau fu after every sentence, and her laugh. I promised her that I'll wait, so yeah, I will. 

Holidays for the win? :)

Will definitely be blogging more often now, and maybe even write songs and continue writing my story. 

Nina Dobrev and Candace Accola are waiting for me, till next time. (I'm watching shows remember?)

#8 The hardest goodbye.

It was the day before Natasha had to leave, well not really the day before but, it was the last day Alex could see her before she leaves. Though Alex was, happy that she could have fun, and be happy and all, he couldn't help wondering what lingers after. Without her leaving, he'd already known that he'll miss her, a lot.

School was on, as usual, but since the exams were over and the classrooms can't be used the freshmen were to be spending their days in the school hall. Which meant, he could see her more often. As no lessons were to be taught anymore (yay) they spent their time playing board games and card games and other stuff you'd do when you're really bored and don't know what to do.

Sometimes, while playing his UNO or whatever with the gang he'd stop and somehow lose his attention and glance over and see what she's up to. She was somehow either opposite where he was, or near him, which was.. cool. Once as he was playing he looked towards her and she somehow noticed, and smiled at him. Whoah. but he smiled back, with butterflies flying around his stomach, hoping she wouldn't notice that, as his heart did a little backflip. Day made, right there. 

It was such a coincidence that the last day he'd see her, she had brought her guitar. He really liked it when she played, yet somehow she never realized how good she really is, she's talented, all right. He'd drift away and listen and remember the time in Mel's house when they both sang and the was she looked at him and oh gosh he was just too mesmerized, the look in her eyes, gosh he'd never noticed before, she had beautiful eyes, though it was just plain brownish but he loved them.

The teacher arranged a little handicraft section for the students and though he hesitated to go, Elena went anyway so he had no choice. But as he saw Ed doing little accessories for Mel, he had to do one for her too. It was the least he could do anyway, knowing that she'd been there for him when he needed someone, and as a little thingy before she leaves. That was the one time he didn't like the fact that he had huge fingers so that made it hard for him to do little dainty craft works.

He didn't care anyway, she means a lot to him.

He ended up with a pair of angel earrings (he still remembered how to make an angel keychain from Cf camp so he twitched a little here and there and voila!) 'That is so cute!' Elena complimented, 'She'll like that, a lot.'

There was another thing, but that's a surprise.

//

She normally goes to Marissa's house to pick up her stuff, and when Alex, Elena and Mel go on their little 'MI' he somehow catches her and they smile for just a second but it makes his day. So he waited where he thought he'll see her.

'Oh gosh, should I give her?' Alex asked Elena, who was waiting with him.

'Come on, if you could give the letter, you can definitely do this!'

'Really?' he started hesitating. Not a good sign. 'Oh, your bus is here, bye! Wish me luck.'

His wait was what he thought was forever, maybe she's spending her last day with her friends in Marissa's house or something, he thought.

He actually planned to wait there, and when she goes to the little spot where she waits for her transport, he'll walk by and talk and then pass the little gift to her. Not as easy as he thought.

After awhile, she came out of the house, somehow she still manages to look pretty even when she's wearing her uniform, he smiled, and waved. He thought it was adorable that she smiles so cute exposing her braces, as she waved back. His heart seemed to beat faster. It was almost as if the whole world blurred out, and she was the only one he saw.

Okay, you got what you wished for, Alex. What now? he started thinking. Don't chicken out, you can do this. 

Well, he ended up standing on the same spot awkwardly for a whole minute. Until, he saw her, walking towards him instead. His heart fluttered.

'My transporter left without me again.' Natasha said with her cute little frown.

'Haha, again?'

'Sadly, yes.'

'Hey, uh, open up your hand.'

She opened up her palm and he dropped the angel earrings there. She looked at it, surprised.

'Thanks,' as she smiled at him.

'Anyways, how you going back?'

'I have no idea. I'll call my mom, maybe I'll wait at Marissa's house.'

'Okay then, I'll stay here till you leave.'

'You don't need to, you know?'

'I want to.'

As they talked, he realized that, this was the last time he'll see her in person (yeah, they'll Skype and all, but it's different.) He'll really miss her when she's gone. While she called her mom, her fringe fell all over her face, and she blew it up, and they both laughed, she's so cute like that, he thought.

'I think I should wait in Marissa's house, my parents aren't free right now so yeah, I have to go. I guess I won't be seeing you till I don't know when so..'

and she hugged him. He'd been wanting this to happen ever since she hugged him on her birthday, he didn't want to let go. He hugged her back.

'You know I'm gonna miss you when you're gone right?'

'I'll be back, silly. And you just patted my guitar, haha.' (He was really awkward when it came to hugs okay.)

Well, he wanted it last longer, how good it felt to have her in her arms. Yet, another part of him sank a little, 'cause he wouldn't be seeing her anytime soon, he won't be waking up to texts he fell asleep waiting for, he won't wake up to send a good morning text to her for now, and lastly he'll miss the late night Skype sessions they have where they just really goof around and it really makes his nights special, she is special.

'I whisper goodbye, I swear it's not for the last time, I know it's not easy, this could never be easy.'

//

He walked home, feeling happy, yet sad at the same time, ambivalence. He reached his room, dumped his bag, and texted her.

'Hey, hope you like the thing. :)'

Her reply made his day even more.

I love it. :) Thank you so much. :')